Here is a page that will tell the story of this campaign, Khartheon.

Click on the chapters below to display the story.

Story 6th October 2018

Chapter One – Arena of Death

Welcome to Khartheon, a continent made up of 8 countries – Tallis, Mittelland, Vassalheim, Krügmorte, Vanachkrom, Djenkania, the Shaelyre isles and the wildlands.

This is a place where you will travel far and wide, meet new people and creatures of all varieties. You will embark on adventures, to hunt for treasure or accept bounty hunts, perhaps uncover hidden secrets and mysteries long lost in time.

From the mountains of Krügmorte to the cliffs of the Shaelyre Isles, the great sand dunes of Tallis, and the bard college in Djenkania. There will be adventures a plenty and mischief galore! And so let your adventure begin . . .

You all come from various different places, perhaps some of you have travelled the world, or maybe some of you were born, raised and have lived in the same place your entire lives. However, every child in Khartheon learns the basic geography of the world, including the country and capital names so you’re all fairly familiar with the map.

Whatever your circumstances, you start your adventure in the northern country, the kingdom of Vassalheim. In the capital city Valoit. It is the festival of Conquête Le Roi, an annual three day celebration that dates back to over a century when King Vintrile, nick–named the mad emperor was overthrown, the civil war ended and peace fell upon the land. There are celebrations, parties, dancing, trading and festivities a plenty. In the centre of the city, there is an outdoor theatre. The famous circus of Vespa sets up residence on the outskirts of the city to provide their twice daily shows, and in between, they walk through the streets doing tricks and gymnastics, fire displays and juggling.

There is also an arena of death and jousting, locally named the Arène De La Mort. This arena is the stage for three tournaments, the first level is bronze arena, the second silver, the last is gold. Each round takes place on each day of the festival and each level of the arena had 3 rounds.


In the bronze tournament, anyone can enter, from the age of 14. Any race or gender, there is no selection process. The rules of the arena are as follows:

No killing, except in the gold level, where you kill to survive and there can be only one winner.
A magically amplified voice echoes throughout the chamber:

’Welcome to the hundred and thirteenth festival of Conquête Le Roi
We are about the begin the bronze level of the tournament in the Arène De La Mort. The rules are as follows:

No forbidden magic (see terms and conditions)
No animal companions
No more than three weapons may be permitted per combatant
No killing in the bronze and silver arena, you are out if you are hit or disarmed. ’

Light appears at your feet and rises as a stone doorway opens up, you hear the sound of stone crunching and it scrapes against the walls either side, rising to the top. Bright light filters through; a large clearing is ahead of you, with a sandy floor and there is a large audience all cheering loudly. You all step through the door out into the arena.

‘These games are brought to you by ye olde Kharthozade’ the voice continues, ‘powered by Khartholytes’

(it’s kharthonated)

You can see the largest box directly in front of you has a few people sitting watching you, one is stood up with his arms up in a flourish, you recognise him as the city mayor (he looks human, you think you recall his name is Harold Lichmeister) The rest of the individuals sat in the box look like high ranking officials, dressed in their finery.

A banner hangs from the balcony with a lizardfold holding a tankard and winking.

You recognise him as the thrice reigning champion, called the viper, and at that moment he stands up in the special booth and waves.

Then he says ‘let the games begin’.

You are all stood on the outskirts of the pit of the arena, armoured up and weapon in hand. It is a large arena, there are roughly 150 people in the pit.

Roll initiative.

Kifo Cha Kifo (Craig) gets 9

Sylvestre Picques (Matt) gets 9
Lord Van Winklebert the Third (Jake) gets 18
Winklebert goes first

An Aracockra catches your eye from the far side, plumps up his feathers and charges towards you with his huge spear. The dust rises up around him as he gains speed. At the lest second, a mere metre away from you, he veers off to your side, his polearm going the other side of you, as it swipes across your shins.

Dex Saving throw 11

He moves out of the way just in time, The aracockra does a somersault and turns in mid air and hits you on the back.

Guard approaches and says ‘Advancer’ – (Move along)

A dwarf stands in front of Sylvestre and raises his axe, grunting (‘eh? ‘)

Sylvestre says firmly ‘No!’ Pointing his finger at him.

The dwarf seems confused, and grunts again ‘eh?’


Then Sylvestre says ‘I am going to hit you with my big machete!’, steps forth and swings his machete, hitting the dwarf on the head.

The dwarf was caught off guard.

‘Bon Voyage!’ Sylvestre exclaims with a flourish of his hands.

The dwarf shuffles off, dumbfounded, rubbing the bump now forming on his head.

While Sylvestre’s attention is diverted, a small gnome scuttles up to him and starts nibbling his ankle.

’What the?! ’

Sylvestre attempts to knock the irritating little man off, but the gnome grabs on to his machete and scuttles up his arm, to reach his neck, and sinks his sharp little teeth into his necky flash.

He begins to swing around Sylvestres neck like a hoola hoop going ‘wooooooo!’.

The guard walks over and points to them both, saying ’You’re both out! Avancer’

Sylvestre begrudgingly walks off and kicks the gnome as he leaves.

A woman appears in front of Kifo, her hands are positioned as if cupping a ball of energy, she appears to be summoning magic. Her hands begin to vibrate as it becomes more powerful.

’You know how cats can kind of like jump and they kind of like land on the thing and like roll over and then kind of like land like that, go over like that and then spring themselves with their hands and then try to kick them in the face’

 - Jake

(Does he mean a hand spring?)

Kifo does that.

Acrobatics check – 17

She tries to dodge while protecting her ball of green energy. However, the agility of the cat knows no bounds, and Kifo manages to swing round and kick her in the face. He green ball of energy fizzles out like a deflating balloon and she walks off the arena. Kifo’s victory is short lived however, because behind him stands a halfling, and he says ‘stick em up’,

Kifo swings round and prepares to parry. The halfling charges.

Kifo rolls 24. He dodges, the halfling charges under his legs and slides along in the sand, turning around.

Kifo tries to attack while the halfling is under his legs and manages to swipe him with his claws.

The halfling stands up and jumps on Kifo’s face and begins swinging off his head.

Unfortunately, the guard wasn’t watching when Kifo got his first hit in. But after a moment, he walks over and says ‘oh sacra bleugh! What is this?! BOTH OUT! ’

The guard continues ’You were at each other, it is not dignified! ’

As kifo is walking off side, he yells at the guard ‘Tu es un navet!’ Tu es!’ (‘You are a turnip!’)

Kifo is very annoyed, he thought he was doing so well. Lord Van Winklebert the Third respects the rules of the tournament, he is a gentleman and will behave as such. Sylvestre is still glaring at the gnome, clenching his fists.

A large gong gongs and all the people who were out begin to walk through another door leading out of the arena. You can still hear the cheering in the background as the stone corridor leads them towards a room.

Back to the top

Chapter Two – An introduction

The room you have entered is a medium sized well-lit area with plenty of benches and hooks along the walls, at the other end there are beds and clerics healing badly wounded individuals. Some people are getting changed in here.

There are maybe 15 people in this room, some healers are going around healing some wounded combatants.

Sylvestre asks where the gnome is, in a menacing low voice. Unfortunately, the gnome went out another way. As the arena round concluded, many doors around the arena opened for people to leave.

‘Zis fight is rigged.’ says Sylvestre, in his thick Vassalheimian accent.

‘I’ll tell you what I’m annoyed about’, says Kifo, over cries of ‘bullshit’ from and angry Sylvestre, ‘It was just a tiny thing that attacked my face, before I hit him, you saw, you were out before I was.’ Pointing to Claudia Wilkleman.

‘Yes I saw, the bird fellow was very good!’ He announces to the group.

Other people in the room are grumbling, you hear someone saw ‘it’s a fix, a fix! Typical Vassalheimian rules!’

‘Well it was my first arena, was it a fix? Asks Kifo.

‘It was a fix’ says Sylvestre in a dead voice. ‘Clearly they’ve already put the bets on the winner.’

‘Who do you think is going to win then? Asks Kifo, a mad glint in his eye.

‘The lizard’

‘Where do you put bets on? ‘ Asks Kifo, rubbing his hands together.

Kifo looks around for an official bet taker looking person, and turns to the healer as she’s passing by and says ‘Can I put a bet on for the lizard man to win?’

She’s surprised and asks ‘Do I look to a bookie’? Gesturing to her healer uniform.

‘Well do you want to take a bet? I will bet you 2 silver pieces – no 5 silver pieces, that the lizard man, le Viper will win’

 ‘Those are pretty good odds, but I mean, I’m just a humble healer. Maybe you should talk to that man in the corner.’ She points to a shady guy in the corner.

‘Hello shady guy in the corner’ says Kifo.

‘5 silver was it?’ He growls.

‘Yes, on le Viper’

‘I’ll take that bet’ he starts scribbling in a little notebook. ‘Any other takers?’

Sylvestre: ‘No‘

‘Odds are pretty good’ he says.

‘What are the odds by the way?’ asks kifo

‘Pretty good’

He writes a little ticket and passes it over, the odds say 5 to 1.

‘There’s a lot of new blood this year’

There’s a guard stood at the door. Winklebert goes up the guard and says ‘I say, I say, I say, whilst there is very much a good duelling talent out here, I must say it did seem a bit one sided, who can I speak to, to seek retribution and really get my

‘-le file ma complaint’ Sylvestre

‘Quite!’ Winklman

The guard looks puzzled, looks down at them and says in broken English, ‘err- I am just a guard, I do not deal with admin.’

‘Well I say, who is your superior? ‘

‘You must go to the – how you say – le helpdesk.’

He gives you an address where you can forward any complaints to.

‘You come back after – after ze arena.’

Kifo scrutinises the shady man, and memorises his features, he is more shade than man.

He has a distinctive scar on his cheek. Kifo hopes he has not been swindled. He will make it his person vendetta to hunt this man down should that be the case.

Kifo sits back down on the bench and says ‘I’m a bit happier now, I’ve got my bet on.’

Winklebert also sits down.

‘I will call you monsieur le shat!’ says Sylvestre. ‘Je m‘appelle Sylvestre. I am from Vassalheim.’

‘My language of this land is not very good.’ Says Kifo, struggling to understand whatever this strange vasselheimianman was saying. ‘Do you speak common’

‘Yes’ says Sylvestre.

‘So you’re from here?’ asks Lord Winklebert.


‘Oh – alonzee!’ exclaims Kifo with a thumbs up.

‘Bonjour, my good companion, how did you fare in this fight?’ Asks Lord Winklebert.

‘Merde! I was blind sided by a little halfling’ says Sylvestre.

‘I was also blind sided by one that was already out. Some little creature, gnome, goblin, not sure what it was.’ Kifo says

‘These dwarves seem rather preplexing’ says Winklebert.

‘eh?’ Sylvestre

‘Well just as we, sorry, you were fighting, it almost appears as if they were ready to blind side any who were caught off guard.’ - Winklebert

‘Almost like someone who was unprepared for battle’ - Kifo

‘Yes’ - Winklebert

In, let’s say an arena match, where you really need to be prepared for battle’ - Kifo

‘Well it does seem odd.– - Winklebert

‘Are you saying it was a conspiracy?’ -Sylvestre

‘What is your name anyway, you seem rather posh’ - Kifo

‘I am lord Van Winklebert the Third’ - Winklebert.

‘Well, my full title is Kifo cha Kifo, the first I think. My friends call me Kif’

‘Keith?’  says Winklebert.

‘No kif’- Kifo

‘Keef’ - Winklebert

‘Yes, Kif‘ - Kifo

‘Sure, cat person!’ - Winklebert

‘Call me cat face.’ - Kifo

‘Monsieur le shat!’ says Sylvestre.

‘And you sir, you seem to be fairly familiar with this area!’ Winklebert says to Sylvestre.

‘Oui! Oh, Sylvestre Picques!’ says Sylvestre.

After a short pause ‘ Sil – vest – errr’ he says slowly, with extra phlegm.

‘Yes, Sure! Silver, ok!’ says winklebert.

‘Are you a first or a second?’ - Kifo


‘You seem pretty slow in mind! Is everything ok? Does anything ail you?’ asks Winklebert.

‘I’ve forgotton your name, strange posh person’ K

‘Just call me lord!’ says winklebert.

 ‘Posho and Silver it is! K

A man in the corner says loudly ‘Well that was a load of old togs dung! What do you say we go to the pub lads. They all start chanting ‘pub pub pub pub!’ Then one of them shouts, how about ye olde cubes, then they begin to chant ‘cubes cubes cubes cubes!’

They all leave.

Back to the top

Chapter Three – A quest beckons

Kifo attempts to pickpocket someone as they leave, but unfortunately, they all look like rather poor peasants, dressed in rags. Looking around for someone who looks rich and the perfect person is sitting right across from him.

Kifo says, ‘Ok lads, let’s join them, what do you say?’ as he stands up and tries to usher Posho out the door. (kifo rolls a natural 20) and manages to grab a small handful of gold coins from Posho’s coin purse. Posho feels a slight tickle and says ‘I say, what the –‘

Kifo pushes him out the door and offers to buy the first round.

They head out into the street of Valoit.

Street city of Valoit

The street is very busy and filled with crowds of people, there are entertainers everywhere doing fire juggling and dancing, you are just following along with the crowd. You don't get very far however, when suddenly someone rushes past and pushes into Kifo. He takes a few steps back to regain his balance but the person falls to the floor. They scramble to their feet and then sprint down the street and bolt it down an alleyway.

Perception check

S19 K16 W11

Lord Winklebert is distracted by the magnificent juggling ahead of him, he doesn’t really notice what’s happening.

Sylvestre and Kifo use their powers of perception and think the build of the person is female, although she wore a large and heavy cloak, so it was difficult to tell. The woman had her hood up and a balaclava covering most of her face so only her eyes were visible, but she had a scar going down over one eye. You also notice a leather pouch she dropped on the floor.

Sylvestre picks up the pouch, which is about the size of his closed fist, and inside, there is a small figurine made of white marble, it is a totem of a woman (about an inch and a half in size). There is also 3 gold coins and a tiny scroll. The scroll reads:


As per our contract, the opportunity has presented itself for another attempt at glory. Please meet me at the shop on the corner of Oxpyre street, Ogglers delight.


Finally, Lord Winklebert notices something is happening, he says ‘What do you have there, Sylvestre?’

‘The lady has lost her pouch. We must go and return it.’ S

‘How very noble of you!’ W

‘I am so very noble’. S

‘Sure, and then we can go to the pub!’ K

Sylvestre points at Winklebert and says ‘You! Where is this place?’ brandishing the note.

‘I have not a clue! Let’s go ask some people!’ W

Sylvestre stops a random man walking past and points at him.

‘You! Do you have a scar on your face?’ asks Sylvestre

‘I don’t think so,’ says the man, ‘ Why are you offering?’ says the man.

‘Pardon this person, you there chap, tell us where this place is.’ Says Winklebert pointing to the note in Sylvestre's hand.

The man frowns and says ‘Oxpyre street, oxpyre street, well my memory is a little foggy you see.’ He says offering his hand out.

‘Ah, you want ze scar?’ askes Sylvestre

‘Look here rapscallion,’ - Winklebert

‘I feel like I need something to, you know, jog my memory, if you get my gist.’ He winks.

Sylvestre takes hold of the mans shoulders and ushers him into the alleyway near them, ‘Please follow me’ saying to Winklebert ‘One moment’. While down there, he says ‘Now where is this place?’

‘I can’t remember.’

Sylvestre shows the man his fists. ‘Where is this place?

The man is not impressed. ‘You try to intimidate me, aha I also have a fist. In fact I have two fists. ‘

‘But I have a machete.’ Sylvestre says unsheathing it.

He hastily says ‘Ok, OK no need for that, I don‘t want any trouble, so just go down the road east, take a left, take a right, take a left, it’s there on your right.’ The man hurries off.

They are all stood around quite near the arena while this is going on, and before they move off, three people approach them. They stand near the group looking at Sylvestre and one of them gives a small apprehensive wave.

‘Ah, Remi! Good to see you!’

The other two give small curt nods and all three move to stand next to him. They look Winklebert and Kifo up and down disapprovingly.

‘Ah Remi, Cyril, Verdone! Let me introduce my new friends. Monsieur le Shat Kifi La Kifo, and Posh Lord Vanvervalt the third!’ Sylvestre

‘bonjouir, bonjoir’ they say politely.

‘Hello! Nice to meet you!’ - Winklebert

‘Um, who are you?’ Asks Kifo

‘Monsieur Remi, is my er- employer. And these two individuals are part of my guard court.’

Remi is a shot pudgy fat kid, looks like a spoilt rat.

Verdune looks like a man horse.

Cyril looks very indescript, but is wearing a three piece suit.


Kifo is a Siamese Tabaxi, with big blue eyes and very soft white hair and pointy ears wearing some shorts and a travelling cloak, carrying a short sword. He also wears a woodland cat hat. (he looks like puss in boots)

Lord Winklebert is a high elf, and has a very large silver moustache, a soul patch and long, silver hair and regular eyebrows, with pointy ears. He wears crushed velvet clothes in bright gold colours and wears shiny silver chainmail. On his shield is his house crest, which is a sun with a large moustache. All the members of his family have big bushy moustaches, especially the women.

Sylvestre wears thick leather boots, on dark green slacks. He wears leather armour over a camouflage style colouring tunic. He has a very tiny hat. He has a longbow on his back, two axes on each side and a shield and a machete. He’s got a 5 o’clock shadow, looks very rough around the edges.

‘What do you do Remi?’ asks Kifo to Remi.

‘Ah, my master Remi is travelling down to Djenkania to study at the world famous bardic school.’ Sylvestre.

‘Oh right, and what do you do? Asks Kifo to Sylvestre.

‘I am the head guard.’

‘Very interesting,’ says Kifo, ‘so why were you in the bronze arena?’ He asks of Sylvestre.

‘Well we had time in the city, Master Remi wanted to look around, fortunately we had master Verdune and Cyril to look after him in this situation, so I thought why not?!’ He says with a flourish. ‘And how about you, my friend?’

‘I needed the prize money to be honest.’ Kifo

‘And you, monsieur rich man?’

I have come to sharpen my skills, hone my duelling skills and hopefully gain my acclaim.’

‘Did you not land a single hit?’ asks Sylvestre

‘Well technicality speaking, but I am a gentlemen I’ll have you know, I always let my opponent have the first hit.’ W

‘You let them win?’ K

‘Well-‘ W

‘It seems very counterproductive to the fight. Anyway, shall we continue.’

You all head over to ogglers delight on Oxpyre street.

The window display is choc a block, there are several bird cages in the display, with various taxidermy birds, covered in gems and cloths. There is also a wax head wearing a turban, next to a crystal ball.

‘How intriguing!’ exclaims Winklebert as he ogles the window.

They all head inside, however Verdune is instructed to wait outside and alert them should anything ‘interesting’ occur.

Inside the shop

Inside, it is very small, there are bookshelves along each wall, and one down the centre. Most of the stock is books, although there are also a selection of divination supplies, crystal balls, jewellery, holy relics and the like.

There is an old man sat behind the counter who is alerted to the sound of the bell as the shop door opens and closes. He says in a very croaky voice, ‘Welcome, welcome!’

‘You sir! ‘, says Winklebert, striding forth to speak with the shopkeeper. ‘The outside of your shop appears rather intriguing! Almost as if it were an ogglers delight! Yet when we come into this barren room, there is not much to ogle at!’

‘Perhaps if you look at this cabinet’ the shopkeeper points to a glass cabinet that contains a lot of shiny shinies.

‘That is more to my fancy, thank you very much’ and he ogles away.

‘May I be of assistance to you too?’ he asks to the others.

‘I am looking for a man named Sven. Says Sylvestre.

‘Ah yes Sven, sven, SVEN’ he shouts.

‘While you wait‘ he says ‘can I interest you in anything, er, free fortune cookie with every purchase.’ Pointing to a large jar that contains mouldy looking fortune cookies that seem to have stuck together.

‘Can I just have a fortune cookie, please?’ Asks Kifo.

‘Does he get a free fortune cookie with his fortune cookie?’ asks Sivi.

The old man is confused but says, ‘yes, I suppose so’, he passes Kifo a chisel and hammer to get one out, saying ‘you might need that.’

A banner above the counter reads ‘Get your Kharthozade (khartholytes)

Kifo opens his fortune cookie and the text written on it says ‘I didn’t plan ahead’.

‘How strange’ he says, pocketing it.

After a couple of minutes, the old man pipes up ‘all of our glass apparatus are made from the finest Tallisian glass you know.’

A man appears behind the counter, his eyes are drawn to the note in Sylvestre‘s hand, he says ‘Krudge?’


Are you Krudge, from the order?

‘That I am.’

‘They told me I would only be getting one.’ he says, eyeing up Kifo and Winklebert suspiciously.

‘Ah, well the order has a special deal on, where you buy one, you get two free’, gesturing to the others in the shop.

‘This is very, very peculiar, indeed, but perhaps you ought to come through to the back. Quickly, quickly now.’ The man seems shifty.

Before they all move through the doorway, Kifo picks up a dusty crystal ball from one of the bookshelves and asks the shopkeeper, ‘May I inspect this for a moment?’

‘Of course!’ the man croaks.

You all go through to the back, in a small room, with lots of squashy furniture. He sits down, and gestures for the others to sit also, commanding them to sit.

‘I prefer to stand, but thank you anyway’ says Winklebert

Kifo curls up next to the fireplace contently polishing his crystal ball and purring.

‘I don’t have time to take this up with the council now, you lot look up to the job, if you are willing?’ asks Sven.

‘Zat is what zis is, correct? A contract?’ Asks Sylvestre, holding up the note.

‘Actually, that is just a note, we will get to the contract later.’

‘Vell the contracts are very important’

‘We will get to that later then. I know how important they are. I have them drawn up ready and waiting. ‘


‘Hmm, you’re also a contract guy I see? ‘ He asks winking.

‘Ah yes! ‘

‘I don’t know how much the order told you. Are you aware of the story of Saint Jeffor and his path to enlightenment? ‘

No one seems to have a clue what Sven is talking about, apart from Lord Winklebert who rolled a 9!

‘What a shame,’ Sven continues ‘there’s a statue of Saint Jeffor in the city square, many people just think he was a scholar, he invented the spyglass you know. But that is not what he is famous for. ‘

Lord Winklebert knows that Jeffor was a monk who worshipped the god Talos, (the god of storms), he would travel the world to spread his holy word. The path of enlightenment is the name of the belief system that most holy priests and monks live their life by, which is to spread the word of god as far wide as possible, but in order to become even more devoted to their one and only deity. It is encouraged that they receive the blessings of the other deities, to endure the temptation of their loving embrace, as a test to see if they remain faithful to their own deity. It is told that the person who receives the blessing of every deity in the land will become, well, enlightened. It is believed Jeffor became closer than any man, and that is why he was proclaimed to be a saint.

‘Many people believe this is just a myth. Others believe it is true, but impossible to accomplish.’

Sven continues, ‘Anyway, you don’t need to know about the details, but there is a relic that I need. You must travel to the shrine of Sune, and retrieve a relic. Bring the relic back to me and I will send the gold to the council, they’ll pass it on to you. The price has already been agreed.’

‘I say, that seems rather absurd, to pass the money onto these people, then pass it on to ourselves. Wouldn’t the exchange be rather more, er straightforward if you paid us directly?’ Asks Winklebert.

‘Well, you work for the agency, I pay the agency and the agency pay you. That is the way it is done.’

‘Have you not heard of the new rules enforced. They have decided that to save the agency paperwork, the money will be paid directly to the agents, who will then provide payment in kind to the agency, in terms of their employment.’ Says Sylvestre.

Persuasion roll.

‘Hmm, we’ll see what happens when you retrieve the relic.’ Says Sven.

‘We’ll need some travelling money’, says Kifo, holding out his hand.

’Don’t worry about that right now. ’

’There is someone who may be able to advise you. ’ He disappears through the door and comes back with a female tiefling, she is muttering to herself. She has black marks on her temples, her horns have been filed down.

‘What is this creature here that you bring towards us?’ Asks Winklebert.

‘This is Baila – She attempted the challenge and it affected her, as you can see.’

Amongst the nonsensical rambling she would sometimes speak the odd coherent word here and there.

‘She has been undergoing treatment, but so far none has worked.’

She sits on the small stool and keeps twitching her head saying the following in a sing song way and mumbling  ‘All the little tieflings, we’ll get them all, all the little monsters, all the little monsters, all the little monsters…..  

Then she suddenly notices them, and looks up wide eyed.

‘It’s the eyes’

‘One face, two face, three face, no more now, no more faces, oh god my face, it’s gone, where is my face?’ She tries to claw at her own face, as if to rip it away.

‘This creature here troubles me. Let me see if I can cure her ailments.’ Says Winklebert.

Kifo is mesmerised by his crystal ball, he rubs it and stares deep within, with the firelight shining into it. He can see a massive cat face looking back at him, with a bulbous face. He soon realises it is his own reflection and hisses and the sight of it. ‘Sorry he mutters’.

They all look at Kifo, judging him, Winklebert snorts with laughter.

‘Can I just say it’s not very fun to laugh at me doing that, I once kept passing a window and scared myself like 7 times over an hour, it was horrendous, very reflective shiny window.’ Says Kifo.

‘Monsiour  le shat, I am sorry but you are so easily startled’. S

‘Only by my own reflection’

So, Sven, what happened to this tiefling woman?’ Asks Kifo, putting the crystal ball in his pocket.

He hesitates and says slowly, ‘she failed the challenge, she was lucky enough to survive to be honest but er, it has affected her.’

‘A challenge! I’m up for it! Let’s go!’ proclaims Lord Winklebert. ‘Ride forth!’ And he strolls out the door at speed.

The tiefling Baila is starting to get more and more manic and Sven takes her out to the next room and returns alone. When he is sat down, he says to the remaining guys, ‘do you have any questions?’

‘So, where is this shrine?’ asks Sylvestre.

‘Before I reveal the location of the shrine, assuming you are willing to complete this quest, I must insist you sign this contract.’ He says, as he goes to his writing desk and returns with a large contract and several quills and inkwells.

It was at this moment that Winklebert realised he was missing some vital information, and returns to the room saying ‘I may have been a bit hasty, sorry old chap, I forgot to ask, where are we going?’

Sven says ‘It’s a waiver, alleviating me of any responsibility or blame should you become injured, insane or, you know, dead.

’It also specifies at the bottom, should you retrieve the relic, you will return it to me with the upmost urgency. Should you decide to keep it, you shall be in breach of the agreement. ’

’Let me be very clear, I will have this relic, whether you give it to me willingly, or if I have to take it from your cold dead hands. I would of course prefer the former. ’

‘Yes! That sounds agreeable! Says Winklebert, he signs it.

After Sylvestre and Kifo have thoroughly checked the contract for any small terms and conditions to check for anything sneaky, they find it is fairly straightforward. The rewards is specified as 50 gold to be shared amongst all of you. It does not specify what the relic is.

Before they leave, Sven passes the contract into the other room for copies to be drawn up. Then he hands Kifo a rucksack and says ‘You might find these to be of use to you, according to our intelligence.’

Inside are:

A small wooden hand held mirror (Kifo hisses at it), Eagle feather quill, ink, parchment, comb, rope, journal splattered with blood, silk scarf, rouge (used as blush or lipstick)

Kifo passes the mirror to Winklebert, ‘ah yes, what a magnificent gaze that I have’, as he tweaks his moustache.

He also gives them a map, as the shrine is not on the official map, he marks a spot on there for them.

‘Ah, we’re going to Mittelland! I’ve been there before. That’s where I sailed into, to Osthafer.’ Kifo.

‘Well it is not in the direction I require, but if it is the direction, of the shrine, then we will head to the shrine.’ Says Winklebert.

‘It’s very nice in Osthafer’ says Kifo.

Sven says, ’any other questions? ’

‘What’s the relic look like?’ asks Kifo.

Sven lets out a long sigh. ‘You’ll know it when you see it. The thing is, there are legends and myths, it is not 100% clear what the relic is, but you will know it when you see it. You will feel the holy power within. Some people say the relic of Sune is a ring or a talisman or a rose, no one knows for sure.

‘Come on now chaps, let’s not dilly dally! Let’s go post haste!’ Winklebert

Before they leave, Sven passes the copies of the contracts back to them, and says ’ get out of my shop’.

As they leave and pass through the shop, Kifo asks the shopkeeper ‘Can I keep this crystal ball?’ jostling it is his hand

The shop keeper says, ‘aren’t you going to pay for that?’

Sylvestre says, ‘ah monsieur Sven has issued it as a down payment.’

They hurry out the door too quickly for him to respond.

Back to the top

Chapter Four – Acquisition of goods

As they exit the shop, there is a large parade going past, there are dancers, people on donkeys playing musical instruments. There are small elephants going past with small people riding them.

There are a few tables set up along the road, people are playing some dice and card games. One man is stood up and shouting ‘three dragon ante, play to win, win to play.’

They play three dragon ante, they all pay in 20 silver (2 gold), Kifo comes away with 61 silver. Winklebert and Sylvestre lose the game.

It was at this point Winklebert notices he has much less gold than he started with and he says ‘Ha! Who dareth steal from me?!’

‘You probably spent it on beer in the pub.’ Says Kifo.

Then spend a little time discussing their options of travelling to the temple of Sune, as they watch the parade go past. They consider, walking, hiring a carriage, buying a horse, stealing an elephant, buying on of those new-fangled automobiles.

‘Well I say, with the entourage that we have –‘ starts Winklebert.

They are aware that by traveling to Mittelland on the main roads, there is a toll to pay at the border control. They consider sneaking in, as if it is occupied Germany (whatever that is).

As Sylvestre is from vasselheim, he thinks about his geographical knowledge of the land and recalls another way in, which will bypass the border control officers. He knows that the border officers can be very frisky.

‘Shall we ride on donkeys? Asks Winklebert, eyeing up those on parade, ‘or elephants?’

‘We can purchase a wagon, and a couple of donkeys and they can pull us.’ Suggests Sylvestre.

Kifo recalls his adventures in a mystical land called Mablethorpe where you could hire a donkey for a short amount of time.

The team decide to purchase a wagon and a couple of donkeys, then they can also take on another task involving transporting goods out of the city. They can build their own import/ export company for some extra cash.

It is decided a wagon will be acquired (that can carry 400lb) and a couple of donkeys. They put all their money together and realise they have 51 gold to spend.

Winklebert and Sylvestre go to the stables while Kifo travels to shady man to try to get some generic contraband.

They travel to the stables which is outside the city walls. There is a stable master stood outside brushing his horses.


‘Good day squire!’ Winklebert greets the man

‘Bonjoiur Stable maser!’ Sylvestre says

Stable master nods at them.

‘We are here to buy two of your finest donkeys!’ Sylvestre says

‘Donkeys in the back’ replies the stable master

Exquesemah?’ -Sylvestre

‘The donkeys are in the back! You can pick your own.’ He points to the area.

’I shall find two of very different colours, a grey one and a neon pink one. Come my donkeys. We shall depart’. -Sylvestre

‘Anything else with yer donkeys?’ He asks.

‘Perhaps we will need something to attach them to our wagon’ -Sylvestre

He goes in the back and returns with a couple of saddles, harnesses anf other bits and bobs.

‘And what is the cost of this shite?’ -Sylvestre

‘That’ll be 20 gold pieces right there’ Stable master.

Ah, monsieur, that is unacceptable. We would unfortunately only be able to pay, 12 gold pieces.’ -Sylvestre

Charisma roll – natural 1.

‘Listen, it is what is it mate, 20 gold pieces, for yer lot! I can do 18 without all the saddles and what not.’

‘One moment, S‘il vous plait’ -Sylvestre

After some moments the stable master starts to feel angry, like they are wasting his time.

‘Are you having these donkeys or not mate?’ Stable master.

‘monsieur, your prices are extortionate and I will not stand for this. Adiou! Where is the other stable master? -Sylvestre

‘It is just me in the whole city’

‘That is unacceptable, I demand another stable master. I want to see the manager.’ -Sylvestre

‘You’re looking at him’

‘That is unacceptable, you are not the manager, you are merely a, how you say, horse shit!’

The stable master picks up his whip and cracks it menacingly, his hand is shaking in anger.

‘I will not be threatened by a man with a tiny horse face!’ -Sylvestre.

The stable master keeps cracking the whip near Sylvestre,

‘Guards! I am being assaulted!’ -Sylvestre

‘That’s it, off my land! Get off my land right now. Pay 20 gold or your off the land!’

‘Monsiour, this is a free country’ -Sylvestre

‘No it isn’t, it’s 20 gold’

‘Ah one moment’ And Sylvestre leaves.

While the stable master is fuming at this point. Sylvestre reaches the end of his land, turns around and stands there watching. ‘Bon voyage’


Kifo catches up with shady man, who is still sat in the arena in the same place, waiting for the next round of people to come out to take bets (perhaps he is stuck to the wall).

‘Shady mcShadington?’

‘That’s my name, or is it?’

‘Well I’ve heard rumours. I’ve started an import/ export business and I have a business proposition for you!’ K

‘Well well well’

‘We’re looking for some goods to take over the border to Mittelland.’

‘Anything in particular?’ -Shady

‘What have you got to offer? I’m willing to take anything’ K

Shady‘s eyes widen. ‘Anything?’


‘Like dead bodies?’ Shady

‘Dead bodies. If there’s a necromancer that needs them at the other side.’

‘I do have a shipment of wristleroot’

‘What is wristleroot?’

’It is a herb with the street name pulp or sling, it can be brewed into a tonic called jzu jzu which is outlawed in both countries. It makes people go mental. It’s like cat nip, you know what I mean.’

‘Oh, I know what you mean’ K

‘So this wristleroot, I’ve got a large amount of that which needs to go over the border, discreetly.’

‘I can arrange that.’

‘Right, meet me at nightfall, I’ll give you more information.’

‘I can meet you at the wagon shop, it’s shady there.’

‘Ok, I’ll meet you at midnight. Goodbye.’

‘What’s your name by the way?’


Sylvestre and Winklebert both go to the wagon shop. There is a woman in the shop, whittling away. She whittles her wagons out of logs.

‘What fine craftsmanship and work you are doing there. How much for one of these prime specimens?’ Winklebert

The lady puts down her whittling tool, wipes her brown and turns to them, ‘Well we do the extra special wagon for 45, the mid range wagon for 40, and the er bog standard wagon for 35 gold pieces.’ She says.

‘This one’s freshly whittled this morning, this beauty, the wagster 2000.’ She says, patting it fondly.

After a moment of the men thinking, she says, ‘I have a wagon, you have some gold, 35 gold for this please.’

‘And what sort of weight does this wagon carry.’

‘Maybe 8 halflings, or 3 and a half normal sized people’

‘Hmm, we are but 3 and a half normal sized people. How say you to 30 gold?’ W

‘Well it’s 35.’

‘How about 30 gold?’

‘It‘s 35, unless you want me to remove a wheel?’ Says the wagon lady.

Sylvestre ‘er, 35, but you must include insurance, ensuring that any damage that befalls the occupants within your vehicle is fully covered. You must have heard of travel insurance.’

‘Listen, I have to run a business here.’

‘I fully understand, and it would be s terrible situation if previous purchasers of your wagon should result in injury.’

‘Once the wagon has left my premises, I couldn’t care less mate.’

‘Well it is not the impression you want to give to your humble purchasers.

‘Listen, do you want the wagon or not mate? Or get of my land’

Charisma check (8)

‘The price is 35.’

‘Do you have any damaged wagons in need of repair that we can purchase for less? Wagons that say previous occupants may have suffered injury or death because of your negligence? Sylvestre

She says, ‘How many wheels does it require?’

‘Just 3’

She goes into the back. ‘Ok we do have one, it a bit, bloody’

‘Ah that is fine,’ Sylvestre

‘and has some holes in it’ she says.

‘That is also fine’

‘I can do you this one for 28.’

28? Saconbleu!’

‘But, we could get a really good one with 4 wheels for 35.’ whines Winklebert.

‘Yes, but you don’t want to pay 35.’

‘I have complimented you on your fine skills, young madame’ -Winklebert

Another charisma roll is 3

‘The best I can do is 28 gold for this bloody damaged wagon, or 35 for this brand new wagster 2000.’ She says.

‘I say young lady, who else resides at you residence in this fine establishment?’ -Winklebert

‘There is my father, who is the main wagon master, he owns this place, I just work here.’

And young woman, are you lonely?’ Winklebert looms over her in a predatory way.

‘Not particularly, I wish I was right now’ she says.

‘Do you ever get lonely?’ -Winklebert

She ignores the question and turns back to her whittling.

Winklebert is taken aback by her lack of interest, despite claiming he always uses protection, the finest sheep gut!

Kifo wanders over to them. They debate paying 35 gold pieces for the Wagster 2000. Sylvestre says ’no! ’ They will return another time. They decide to head to the pub.

Sheila's Wags

Back to the top

Chapter Five – The heist

On the journey, they discuss the plan

 ‘So tonight, Keef, we undertake the greatest of heists!’ Sylvestre says

‘Ok, as long as it fits around the schedule of meeting up with shady Dave, who is actually a lovely guy as it turns out, at around midnight at the wagon shop.’

‘Zat is fantastique, as we will be heading to the wagon shop to steal a wagon.’

‘Ok good, so the purchasing of the wagon did not go well.’ k

‘The prices were extortionate and we will not accept under any circumstances.’ Sylvestre says


‘I say, I must object to this as my moral code will not allow me to steal, however, seeing as how I seem to be quite light on funds these days, I will be willing to look the other way.’ Winklebert

‘Monsiour, we are not stealing, we are liberating from the greedy! We are in fact the modern day le robin hood! Whoever he may be’ Sylvestre says

‘I’ve heard of rumours of him, from all the lands I’ve been to in the past. Lots of tales and books about him. K

Ah yes, I thought it was ingham, but in fact it was not-ingham!’ Sylvestre

They reach the tavern.


‘I do believe that you, sir cat person, said the round was on you’ -Winklebert

‘Zat he did’! -Sylvestre

‘You’re not wrong actually. Beers all round?’ -Kifo

Nods of acknowledgement all round.

‘Where have your mates gone?’ Kifo says to Sylvestre.

‘Ah, they will be here, just purchase the drinks, and I will ensure that they get them.’ -Sylvestre

‘Barkeep! 6 of your regular ales please.’ -Kifo

‘Ok, yep’ barkeep says, starting to pour them.

Silva says mockingly, zey are 5 gold each! In this extortionate town’ -Sylvestre

‘Barkeep, I’ll downgrade that to 6 of your shitiest ales please’ Kifo

‘Perhaps some pisswater in the back. ‘

‘Ah, pissing on people costs 5 gold’ -Sylvestre

Potential business venture idea, pissing on people for money.

‘I used to euthanize people for money’ says Kifo casually.

‘One silver piece laddie’ says the barkeep.

‘You know it used to be – I say it used to be 1 copper a pint you used to be able to get it for, the world’s gone mad I tell ya!’ -Kifo

‘Welcome to ze Vassal’ -Sylvestre

Barkeep passes the ales across.

‘So what brings you in lads and cats? He asks.

‘Bit racist’ Kifo says under his breath.

‘Well I must say we are bound by our contract and we are sworn not to tell what we are actually doing!’ -Winkle.

‘Barkeep, you were racist to me, you felt the need to distinguish me from other races’ -Kifo.

‘Well you’re new in town aren’t you?’ -Barkeep

‘Have you never seen a cat person before?’-Kifo


‘I think it is because you are black’ Says Sylvestre.

‘I’m siamese’ says Kifo disgruntled.

‘Anyway, have you lads been up t’ arena?’

‘Oui’ - Sylvestre

‘Ah yes, twas a discrace!’ -Winklebert.

‘Shame about that viper’ Barkeep says shaking his head.

‘What?!’ Kifo

‘What?’ Barkeep.

‘What?’ Kifo

Awkward silence.

‘Yeah, it was a bit of a fix. I definitely should have stayed in, there was this guy, I don’t know what it was, a dwarf or a gnome or a small thing.’ -Kifo

‘You should have spoken to him’ Winklebert.

‘Well no, because he was on my face, and I was trying to shake him off and then the guard was like you’re both out and I was like, oh why are we both out because I got him first and he was like get off in French!’ Grumble grumble grumble -Kifo

‘Oh gnome you say?’ Asks the barkeep, and gestures to the other side of the tavern, where there is a group of gnomes sitting there, one raises his tankard to Kifo and winks and smirks. ‘That the one? He seems to know you?’

‘It’s him.’ Says Kifo, jaw clenching and frowning. He shakes his fist in the gnomes direction.

Winklebert walks over to gnomey and speaks to him in gnomish ‘You, today sir, fought with dishonour! You discredited my friend and you caused him a premature exit from the arena.’

From the bar, Kifo yells ‘bbuuuurrrrrnnnnnnnnn!’ even though he can’t tell what’s been said.

‘I challenge you to a duel at ten paces! Winklebert.

‘Oh no he didn’t!’ yells Kifo, assuming he’s giving some good smack talk to the gnome.

Then Winklebert takes out his glove and slaps the gnome across the face.

Meanwhile Sylvestre and Kifo have started taking bets at the bar.

The gnome stands up on his stool and points at Winklebert and says in a tiny sqeak’ you sir, have insulted my honour!’

‘Ah but you insulted mine first, or rather my friends.’ W

‘He was asking for it, look at that face,’ gnome says looking at Kifo, ‘that furry face’

‘I will take you up on your duel sir!’ Says gnomey.

‘Very well! Shall we take this outside, young gnomey?!’


All his little gnome buddies starting to huddle around him, some shouting ‘yeah, go get em Kev’

Lord Winklebert wonders if they’re going to amalgamate into one giant gnome, but they don’t. They all start to head outside, carrying Kev on their shoulders.

Kifo hears them say Kev, and decides to take a closer look at him, could this be the Kev of his past? The Kev he grew up with on the streets? Ah no, that was a goblin, carry on then… All you short people look the same, thinks Kifo.

‘Madame, monsieur, place your bets! ‘ Sylvestre.

‘3 to 1 on posho to win! 3 to 1 on Posho! Quick get your bets on’ Kifo.

‘2 to 1 on gnomey to win! 2 to 1!’ S

No one in the tavern is really paying much attention, they didn’t understand what was said.

‘Zer is a duel, a duel most fantastique! Between an elf and a gnome!’ Announces Sylvestre.

A few people approach, placing bets.

Kifo gets 15 silver for gnomey, 20 for posho.

‘Posho is the favourite to win, that’s posho the favourite!’ Shouts Kifo.

 ‘What a fight this will be!’ Says Silva

Winklebert and the gnomes and tavern patrons are all outside at this point and Kifo and Sylvestre sneak out the back.

‘Young gnome, this will be a duel where we disarm each other.’

Meanwhile, Kifo and Sylvestre are a few buildings away peeking around the corner watching the events unfold.

‘Very well’ says Kev the gnome.

‘The gnome shall have no arm’ says Sylvestre mockingly.

The gnome hurtles itself at Winkleberts face, because that’s his only move. All his friends, there are about 7 of them, they scream a war cry and bolt towards Winkebert, some of them climb up and hang onto his arms, some cling onto his legs, one is sat on his head.

‘I say! This is not very honourable!’ Winklebert yells ‘Get off you!’ As he grabs the one on his face and throws him away.

They continue to hang on and bite into him with their tiny sharp teeth, nibbling through the expensive fabric.

‘They say the gnome is where the heart is’, says Sylvestre.

‘You gnomes have started to really infuriate me!’ Shouts Winklebert. He slams his chest, as an honour-bound person (squashing a gnome in the process) and casts illumination, hoping to blind the blasted gnomes. His armour and moustache glow with a bright, unearthly light and the ‘stache grows biceps, like a hairy, little pop eye.

A couple of the gnomes release their grips on Winklebert to shield their eyes and run away blindly, wailing. The others are holding on to him with their teeth.

It was at this point the DM realises she was imagining these gnomes to be much smaller than they really are. Anyway, moving on.

‘Then what I do is I do a suplex and by suplex I mean I throw myself onto the ground, while this guy is there and on my two legs and land straight on them.  Smash!’


Maybe he meant elbow drop, not sure.

There is a horrible wet, crunchy, squelchy noise and groans of pain from the little gnomes.

Winklebert does a backwards roll and then grabs the other gnome and says ‘you so have insulted me for the last time!’ and then punches him straight in the face.

‘A bit dramatic that is’ says Kifo.

Meanwhile a guard turns up saying ‘what’s going on ere then lads?’

Kifo says, ’he sounds a bit familiar like the barkeep’, and in fact it is the barkeep, working his second job of the night.

He says in outrage, ‘what’s this, what’s this? What are you doing?!’

‘These gnomes have  dishevelled my honour!’ W

Kifo runs past Winklebert and quickly tells him ’I’ll meet you around the side of the tavern, Run!’

Winklebert is still imbued with bright light. The guard can see 3 gnomes crumpled up on the floor in agony, one of them looks dead and the others have run away.

The guard doesn’t look impressed.

He says ’you’re gonna have to come with me lad’

‘You sir! I beg to differ!’ Winklebert says as he claps twice and his illumination goes out.

The guard attempts to arrest Winklebert.

‘Right now!’ shouts Kifo, running in the opposite direction as before, ‘I reckon it’s your last chance’

The guard reaches towards Winklebert, his arms outstretched attempting to restrain the elf. Winklebert slaps his hand away and runs at full speed down the road. The guard follows, with some difficulty in his heavy armour trying to weave in and out of the crowd.

A bit further down the road, Winklebert realises that is it too cowardly to run away, and not at all honourable, so he stops.

Meanwhile Kifo and Sylvestre have gone to the donkey shop, however upon realising they didn’t tell Winklebert where they were going, Kifo runs back quickly to Winklebert and says ’we’ll meet you at the donkey shop!’ before running off into a side alleyway.

Winklebert turns and faces the guard and says, ‘this is preposterous! I shall not turn and run like a mere coward. I shall turn and face you. What be thy charge?’

The guard is very out of breath but in between wheezey gasps, he manages to say ‘Disrupting the peaceful town of Valoit. Causing a fight. Maiming gnomes.’ Guard

‘Ah but I disagree, they started the fight, I merely finished it.’ Winklebert

‘There is no fighting in the streets sir.’ says the guard

‘It wasn’t a fight, it was a duel!’ Winklebert

‘No dueling in the streets sir!’ The guard is getting angry by this point.

‘Can I challenge you to a duel!’ Winklebert

‘You are breaking the law sir. I’ll have to call for reinforcements if you don’t come quietly’ says the guard.

‘How?’ Winklebert

The guard shows him his whistle.

Winklebert walks up to him and takes out his pocket mace and smashes the guards hand away.

Strength check was a 3, so it’s more like he places his mace against the guards hand in a gentle caressing way.

The guard says ‘you need to get that out of my face right now sir’

‘Like I have said, I am challenging you to a duel!’ Winklebert

The guard blows the whistle that echoes throughout the street.

Kifo realises Winklebert is not following, and suspects he‘s in trouble. He doubles back and hides out of sight. He then takes his Tinderbox and his flint steel out of his dungeoneering pack and stealthily moves over to the other side of the street where he notices there are several wooden crates. He lights several small fires to the dry wood along the wall but it takes a little while to get going, and no one really notices it for some minutes.

‘This sir, is preposterous! Only a coward calls for reinforcements!’ Winklebert.

Winklebert swings his mace round in a massive circle and hits the guard sharply on his helmet. It does no damage, but makes a satisfying dong noise and disorientates the guard as the echoing noise reverberates in his head and he takes a step back clutching his helmet to try and steady it.

In which time, people have begun to notice the fire that is increasing in size, and Kifo runs out into the street towards the guard, grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him into the direction of the fire so he can see it and yells ‘Fire! Can you help?! There’s a fire!’

The guard takes a moment before realising what’s going on. Two other guards come running down the street and guard number 1 shouts at the guards ‘put that fire out!’ And all three of them start trying to help evacuate the area and search for water top put on the fire. Kifo urges Winklebert to run ‘now, come on! Now’s our chance!’

‘If I see you again sir –‘ begins Winklebert.

‘Run now!’ Shouts Kifo.

‘I bid you adieu!’ Says Winklebert with a salute.

‘Run now’ Kifo

They both flee heading towards the stables.

Meanwhile, Sylvestre arrives at the stables, alone. He begun his journey with le shat, but the Tabaxi went back to warn posho where they were headed.

Sylvestre calls upon monsieur hoot hoot (who is his companion owl, who he keeps in his own pocket dimension most of the time), and has him fly to the stables using his ability to see through the birds eyes, he surveys the area, having the bird weave in and out of the individual stables, checking for people.

He walks into the stable, as he enters, he can see there are lights on in the building very close by, and noises. He hears a muffled voice say ‘fire in the city’.

Upon wondering where his horse expert friend Verdune could possibly be, he remembers he left him at the hotel, which is probably on fire. Merde!

Sylvestre is walking around this very dark stable looking for a couple of strong horses (he’s upgraded from donkeys, because, why not?)

At that moment he hears the front door of the building open and the voice of a woman who says ‘there’s a fire in the town, I’m going to check on the horses!’

And she moves around the building heading towards the stables.

Then Kifo and Winklebert arrive at the scene and see the woman. Winklebert walks up to her, much to Kifo’s dismay. Before Winklebert says anything she notices him and jumps in shock ‘ooohft, did you know there’s a fire in the city?’

‘Ah yes, fair maiden, I have returned.’ Winklebert

Kifo finds a place to hide in the shadows and laugh.

‘I have come to save you, fair woman.’ Says Winklebert. ‘come this way’, as he tried to usher away from the stables.

‘No, I need to check on the horses, the fire is far away, it’s fine’, and she proceeds to walk towards the stables, before turning back to Winklebert and says ‘and get off my land’.

Winkebert realises that he has never in fact seen this woman before and perhaps thought she was the wagon woman for a moment.

‘Ah but wait, fair maiden, do you ever get lonely?’

‘No I don’t get lonely, I’ve got lots of horses to keep me company’ she says shrilly. ‘now if you don’t mind’, then she carries on.

‘I’ll have you know, young lady, that despite this elf-looking posterior, I am in fact hung like a horse!’ He grins broadly.

‘He’s got the arse of one’ says Sylvestre to himself.

She stops in her tracks and you see a small smile on her lips and she lets out a little giggle, but continues to the stables.

She enters the stables. Sylvestre is hiding in the third horse room (don’t know what it’s called?) along on the right. She does a quick visual sweep of the area, just to check the horses aren’t startled.

Sylvestre does a stealth roll – 9

Perception check – she got 16

As she passes the third one along, she is about to move along to the next one, but then turns back suddenly as she sees a foot in the light.

I’d like to pretend to be dead. - Matt

She lets out an audible gasp and opens the gate and looks at him, puts her hand on her mouth, shaking her head and goes, ‘well darn, not another one. I’m going to have to call shady dave, to get rid of this body’ she says to herself. Before she leaves, she gives you a poke and is quite sure you look very dead. She runs out the stable, goes into the house and a minute later emerges dressed in what look like travelling clothes and hurries down the road into the city.

Sylvestre pokes his head out of the stable gate, notices Winklebert standing there outside, jerks his head in a ‘get your ass over here’ gesture. Winklebert points at himself and mouths ‘me?’

Sylvestre, getting increasingly irked, nods his head and stares angrily.

Winklebert saunters over, trying to remember his name, ‘ah – Silver-‘ he begins.

‘Shut ze fuck up and come’

A moments pause and then loads of giggles all around.

‘But how?!’ asks Winklebert.

He walks into the stable and Kifo emerges from the shadows and also stealthily moves into the stables.

‘Monsiour, this horse’ he says to Winkle, pointing at a horse.

‘Monsiour, this horse’ he says to Kifo, picking out the two best horses he can find.

They plan to steal the horses, saddles, tack, stirrups and equipment as quickly as possible and run. As they hurriedly collect the stuff, Winklebert drops the saddle and knocks several horseshoes off a table and they clatter to the floor loudly and cause some of the horses to become uneasy. They all still for a few moments, listening and waiting, but they were lucky, no one heard them.

They ride the horses out the stables (Kifo calls shotgun) and travel into the city, their destination being the wagon shop, however their road is obstructed because of the fire. They must take a detour. It was fortunate they didn’t set fire to the wagon shop, as was first thought. They take the longer but safer route to the wagon shop, (safer being the darker, less popular route, so as not to be seen). Sylvestre uses monsieur hoot hoot to scout up ahead and check the route.

‘Hoot hoot is very handy isn’t he’, says Kifo

‘Monsiour hoot hoot is actually one of the great key features, no I mean fey creatures in owl form.’ Silver says. ‘for the right price, I can make him any small animal I require. Monsieur hoot hoot could in fact become le shat.’

Kifo says, ‘oooh, that’d be nice, I’d have a friend.’

‘Ah, ha!’ Silver says,’ you have no friends’.

‘I could have a friend’ says Kifo quietly.

They do an animal handling check and it becomes clear that Kifo and Sylvestre are riding a racist horse. Kifo is most displeased. The horse begins to become agitated and neighs a lot. A few people are pointing and become concerned, Kifo apologies ‘sorry, sorry, racist horse, sorry’.

It is late, around 10 o’clock at night, there is the odd person walking past. The fire seems to have been put out but is still smouldering away, you can smell it in the air.

They reach their destination, the wagon shop.

Sylvestre wonders where the nearest wagon would be outside the shop, however he is surprised to notice that all the wagons are inside the shop, like a showroom. He thinks he may send in monsieur hoot hoot, however there is no way in, the shop is closed, all the doors and windows are closed. When they try to open the front door and window, they are locked. Kifo thinks he could try to use sleight of hand to pick the lock, but he has no lockpicks. As they are stood in the street trying these things, they are beginning to look rather suspicious. Sylvestre suggests they go to the other door, kick it down and kill everyone inside.

The buildings are like a long row of terraced properties, and there is a back alley they can go down to reach the back door.

Kifo agrees but is not so keen on the thought of killing everyone inside. ‘Ah, I was just kidding’, says Silva with an evil grin.

‘I will stay with the horses, because if they start to get all neigh-ey, I may have to settle them’ Says Winklebert. He also wishes to turn a blind eye to this thievery act.

The go round the back, and Kifo tries to force the door open, Sylvestre helps and they get a combined strength roll of 10.

Unfortunately it is not enough, they don’t even move the door an inch. She makes her own wagons and it makes sense she would have very sturdy doors also, as she whittles them too.

Sylvestre wraps some cloth around his hand and attempts to punch through the window. (Strength check is natural 1) He badly injures his hand, which is now bleeding profusely. Luckily he has a cloth round it he can use as a bandage.

‘Zat was not meant to happen’ he says.

The glass hadn’t broken, so we’re not entirely sure how he managed to cut his hand up so bad, it is very possible he missed the window and punched the wall instead.

He takes 1 damage.

‘It is fine, it is not a problem’ Says Sylvestre.

They decide to knock on the door instead. And then wait. All the lights are off, so it’s likely she is in bed and she does not stir.

‘How well do you climb?’ Asks Silver.

‘Really well actually, with these claws I can climb at a rate of 20 feet.’ Kifo.

‘Maybe you can try to get in through the roof, down a chimney.

He climbs up the wall reaches the roof and goes down the chimney. This building has two floors, with a fireplace on each floor. Kifo travels down to the ground floor fireplace, and with great acrobatics, manages to avoid the warm wood and burnt coal in the fireplace and lands lightly on his feet. He looks for a key to unlock the front and back doors and finds them easily.

‘Hello’ Kifo says waving at Silver.

Silvestre enters the premises, ‘now how does she get these wagons out of these tiny doors?’ Asks Silva. It appears they are flat packed wagons, how unusual.

They’re looking at the wagons, trying to figure out how to get them out. There is a slimline wagon, which they could fit out the door, or a flatpack one that would require some disassembling first.

They think the best thing to do is to take the wheels off, shimmy the wagon out the door sideways and then pop the wheels back on afterwards.

They look around for the most expensive fancy looking wagon in the shop, however not one that looks too unique/ distinctive, so as not to bring attention to themselves. After a quick perception check, they notice they all have an engraving on the side ‘Sheila’s wags’, but after some time, they find the perfect one, a mid-range wagon, in a lovely varnished walnut that is situated quite close to the front of the shop.

First thing they do it take the wheels off the wagon. They do this with ease, very quickly and quietly, so as not to wake the show owner. Silva gets a natural 20, and whips them off so quickly, it’s like a formula one pitstop.

Then they carry the wagon on it’s side, it’s very heavy and so it scrapes along the floor, but they manage to move it very slowly out the back door. They unlock the front door, and Winklebert brings the horses through the shop to the back, stopping for a massive shit in the middle. Once outside, Silver and Kifo put the wheels back on the wagon.

Then Kifo locks the shop from the inside, places the keys back where he found them and climbs back out the chimney, moving round to the front of the building, and intending to climb down to meet with shady Dave, but notices shady Dave is talking to a woman. Kifo stays out of sight watching and listening. Kifo recognises her as the woman at the stables earlier.

The woman looks distressed and is frantically speaking and pointing, Dave is nodding slowly. Kifo is too far away to hear, but it looks like she is trying to persuade him round, as if they’re trying to negotiate. After a few minutes, they shakes hands, gold looks to be passed from the woman to shady Dave and she walks off towards the stables.

Kifo, climbs down and plops silently next to Dave.

‘Alright Dave!’ Kifo yells. ‘It’s Keef ‘ere!’

He says in a whisper ‘you’re late’

‘I was watching, you weren’t alone’ says Kifo quietly.

‘It was a bit of business I had to deal with, you know what I said earlier about dead bodies’ he says chuckling, ‘ they’re everywhere…’

After a pause. ‘Yes, there’s a bit of a problem, at the stables, requires some expert services…’

‘Well first things first –‘ says Kifo.

‘Hey actually, maybe this is something you could help me out with.’ Says shady Dave. ‘as well as that whistleroot, I got another job for you, something to dispose of.’

‘Is it a dead body?’ Asks Kifo

‘How did you know?’

‘Just intuition. It’s all you every talk about, besides whistleroot. There’s not much to you is there shady Dave. Gambling, dead bodies and whistleroot.’

‘If you’re interested in helping me out, there’ll be extra coin in it for you.’

‘Yeah, tell me more’

‘Ok, so here’s the plan. I’ve got a shipment in a secret location. We could travel there together, I pass it over to you, for a sum of money.’

‘How much gold are we talking? And where is the buyer located?’

’50 gold pieces. You must take it up to Osthafer, they will pay you 20 gold pieces.’

‘So I would lose 30 gold in this job?’ asks Kifo.

‘Ah yes, well, you’re clever, you’re a clever man’

‘Hmmmm shady Dave, you’re much shadier than I realised.’ Says Kifo.

‘Well it works on some people’ says Dave, shrugging.

‘you’re clever than you look, for a cat person’ says Dave.

‘Racist’ says Kifo under his breath glaring.

‘Of course, that would be ridiculous, 70 gold pieces!’ says Dave. ‘Then you keep the 20.’

‘Ok, that’s not much of a mark up for all the risk we’re taking.’ Says Kifo.

He shrugs. ‘Hmmmm, 20 gold is 20 gold.’

‘It is, but we’d be carrying a lot of illegal substances across two countries’

‘Although, that is just for the whistleroot, if you’re also interested in doing that extra job, on the side, they’ll be another 20 gold in it for you.’ He says. ‘profit for you of 40 gold.’

Kifo thinks about it for a moment.

‘What’s the deal with the body?’

‘Oh, the body, well there’s a woman whose come across a body, you see, she doesn’t want any trouble, she want’s it removed see? And that’s all there is to it. So you need to head over and er, get rid of it.’

‘Just pick up the body?’

Yep, pick it up, take it over the border, dispose of it. Do what you want with it, sell it, I don’t care.’

‘And will I get the 20 gold upfront for that?’

Dave sighs and shakes his head.

‘Well how else was you going to pay us?’

‘Oh, you are so clever. I’m not used to dealing with people like you.’

‘I will give you half now, half later.’ Says shady dave.

‘But what if we don’t come back for a long time, what if we run out of money? What if you move on? You could run away’ asks Kifo.

‘Yeah, but that’s why I’m giving you half now, so you have something to go on, you can trust me and I can trust you.’

‘But if I’m only getting half the money now, why shouldn’t I do half a job and dump the body halfway out and leave your name on it?’

‘Ok ok, 20 gold now then, but I expect the job to be done expertly and cleanly.

‘Ok, so if we take the 20 gold off the 50 gold I’m paying you for the whistleroot, and then if I bargain a bit then I’d say it’s probably worth 20 gold pieces. So if I give you 20 gold pieces?’

‘But likewise, if you’re so good at bargaining, you can bargain for the extra 10 gold pieces when you’re selling it on at osthafer.’ Says Dave

‘I can, and then I’ll get even more money.’ Says Kifo.

‘Well if you’re interested in this job, then you know, this is the price you have to pay.’

They bargain for a bit.

‘I will take no less then 25 gold pieces.I am doing you a favour’ Says Dave.

‘But I only have 20 gold.’ Says Kifo. ‘Does that include everything, the dead body and the whistleroot?’

‘The thing about this sort of a trade is that you don’t really get your pay out until further down the line’

‘But all the risk is on me’ says Kifo.

‘Well that’s the price you pay for this sort of work’

Kifo thinks.

‘Ok, 25, we’ll dispose of the dead body, and take the whistleroot, once you give me the name and location.’

‘Ok, I’m going to take you to the whistleroot now, which is in my special area.’

Kifo wonders if he’s being groomed.

‘I keep it in a very special place, down in the sewer hole. Will it just be you and me, or are your friends meeting up with us later?’

‘Is it easy to conceal?’ asks Kifo.

‘Not really, it’s pretty big, the size of a large crate.’

Kifo brings the wagon and horses round with Sylvestre and Winklebert.

‘You can ride with us shady Dave, come on, get on a horse’ says Kifo.

Dave gets on the back of one horse. ‘It’s not far from here.’

Sylvestre, Winklebert and Kifo get in their new wagon that Sylvestre and Winkle tethered to the horses while Kifo and Dave were chatting.

They travel to Dave’s special sewer hole, which is situated in the east district, near the corner of the outer city wall.

They arrive, get out of the wagon and Dave walks over to a bush, rummages around for a bit and pulls a sewer manhole away, exposing the hole.

Combined strength check, as they all (apart from Winkle) heave and pull the crate out of the hole. It is large, about two foot cubed and is very heavy. They load it onto the cart.

Dave tells them they need to ask for Milo the mischievous at the wrenches hook tavern in the north of Osthafer. He is staying there for a few nights, and to ask for him.

‘The body you need to dispose of is in the stables. I don’t know much, she didn’t tell me a lot, all she said was there’s a really horribly ugly body in the stables, I think she said on the right hand side, but check all to be safe.’

‘Nice wagon by the way, is that one of Sheila’s’ asks Dave.

‘No.’ says Kifo and Sylvestre simultaneously

‘Bought it from out of town’ says Sylvestre.

‘Sheila whittles her own you know.’ Says Dave.

‘I’ve heard the rumours, good old Sheila, Sheila’s wags’ says Kifo.

Dave then bids them goodnight and leaves.

‘Right then, just to bring you up to speed, I’ve got us some merchandise for our own little import export business, we’re picking up a dead body, which judging by your reaction, you have something to tell me about.’ Says Kifo.

‘Well, I am ze dead body’ says Sylvestre.

‘right, I’m not going to ask any more questions, that’s obviously self-explanatory. We’ve got this crate and we’re going to seek out a chap called Milo in a pub to sell it to him to make lots of profit.’

‘Fantastique!’ Sylvestre

‘One other thing, we should probably get out of here quick, because shady Dave forgot to ask for any money and I’ve rather not pay him.’

Just at that moment, shady Dave remembered that he forgot to ask for the money and hurries up to you and says ‘I forgot to ask you for that money!’

‘Ah crap’.

‘Right then lads, are we all going in equally to this export business? Asks Kifo to the others.

‘I think it sounds like jolly good fun!’ says Winklebert.

‘Is that a yes?’ asks Sylvestre.

‘Jolly good fun!’

They all contribute fairly equal amounts (Sylvestre and winkle pay 8 each, Kifo pays 9) and pay Dave.

Dave takes the gold and says ‘right well I’ll be on my way then’ and off he goes, whistling down the street.

‘Ah, have you checked inside ze crate?’ Asks Sylvestre.

‘No I haven’t.’ says Kifo.

Dave is walking off.

‘Check inside ze crate’ says Sylvestre.

They use their crowbar and do a combined strength check to open the crate.

Sylvestre rolls 1 and injures his other hands really badly, taking 2 damage. At this point he has lost a lot of blood from his earlier injury.

Sylvestre refuses to be healed by anyone, but he uses his second wind to return his lost health. It doesn’t heal him, but the injuries just don’t bother him anymore.

They fail to open the crate, but they loosen it slightly.

Winklebert has a go at opening the crate, and also fails.

The crate is heavy and decide that shady Dave is a trusting character, there’s no way he would trick them.

‘Shall we go?’ asks Kifo.

‘Let us go’ says Sylvestre

‘Post haste old chaps’ says Winklebert.

‘We probably need to get out of here, we’re in a stolen wagon with stolen horses, with a dead body that’s alive and a crate that’s full of, well it might not be full of anything, but that’s potentially full of some quite bad stuff. And I set fire to lots of stuff and he had a fight with some guards. And you’re bleeding everywhere. But apart from that, well, I see plenty of reason to leave.’ Says Kifo.

It’s the early hours of the morning, still very dark, they want to leave under the cover of darkness.

‘Rather than sleeping, I will go into a meditative state’ says Winklebert.

They take it in turns to drive the wagon and rest. Sylvestre decides to bring his friends with him.

They leave the city of Valoit.

Wagon and horses

Back to the top

Chapter Six – The Journey

They decide that travelling on the main road is too risky, because they are aware of the border officers situated on the main road that check all items going in and out of the country, and don’t want to risk their wagon getting searched.

On the journey, Kifo realises they haven’t read the blood soaked journal they received from Sven.

The journal contains several messy scribbles, blood splatters and some pages have been torn away.

The journal contains the words:

Beauty is the eye of the beholder

Ugly people belong in the gutter




Love/ Hate?


Upon gai-

To the-

I hav-

There is also the image of a woman with red wavy hair.


Kifo combs his hair with the comb and quite likes it, he starts purring.

Sylvestre patches up his bloody stump.

As Sylvestre is familiar with Vasselheim, he is aware of the border controls stations on the two main roads, and he knows of a back road they can take to sneak into Mittelland undetected.

As you pass through fields, the path leads you to a small bridge, and in front of the bridge, stands a massive troll.

Winklebert starts singing to the troll.

The troll swings his club menacingly.


‘Hello’ says Kifo.

Winklebert begins to speak in the giant language, ‘hello there, step out of our way, old chap’.

(charisma roll is 3)

The troll grunts loudly and swings the club harder. He lets out a roar.

He shouts in broken common language ‘toll, pay toll, pay toll’

Sylevestre wonders if they can give him le shat.

‘allergic’ says the troll shaking his head.

Kifo walks towards him. The troll sneezes in his face, covering him in troll bogeys.

The troll says ‘5 gold, toll’

‘5 hugs?’ say Kifo and he heads towards the troll again, arms outstretched.

Winklebert says ‘Well looky here fellow creature, unfortunately we do not have 5 gold, therefore unfortunately, you’re going to have to step out of the way and let us continue on our journey.’

The troll starts stamping his feet and paces backwards and forwards.

‘toll’ moans the Troll.

Kifo wonders if it’s worth checking under the bridge for treasure.

‘Look here, I’ve already said we’re not paying, so would you mind just dilly dallying along and let us on our way?’ Asks winklebert sternly.

‘Kifo turns to Sylvestre and says ‘How did you get past here before when you came?

‘I used my feet’.

‘What about the troll?’

Ah, there was no troll last time’

‘My bridge, must pay toll’ says Troll.

‘I say we run for it’ says Syvestre.

Kifo jumps up and punches the troll in the face.

Kifo then darts put the way before the troll can swing his club at him, he begins to move away from the road and bridge and taunts him. The troll seems mesmerised by the strange dancing cat. He walks towards Kifo and starts to gain speed to the point where he is running, using his swinging club as momentum.

Winklebert, while still sitting on the wagon, shouts to the troll, ‘now looky here, I order you to stop.’ He casts a command to make the troll stop, however it is resisted by the troll.

The troll is running at dancing Kifo and swings his club out as far in front of him as possible, but misses.

While this is going on, Sylvestre tells Verdune to drive the wagon across the bridge.

Kifo begins to sprint in a large circle to the left to return to the wagon, still taunting the troll ‘ere, look over ‘ere!’

It takes a few seconds for the troll to realise Kifo’s change in trajectory, and he slows down. He looks around everywhere for the cat, but can’t find him, as he zipped past him so quickly.  The troll stops, still searching, his eyes are all wet from sneezing so he can’t see very well.

After a short time, he notices Kifo is close to the wagon now. Troll moves towards them, but he’s not quick enough to reach the bridge, and he sluggishly lumbers around and wails ‘my toll’ and slumps down on the floor and sighs.

As they disappear into the distance, they begin to feel sorry for the troll, he might’ve had hungry little trollings back at home to provide for.

‘Halt the cart’ says Sylvestre. ‘I have a plan’

‘Ok sounds good’ says Kifo.

Sylvestre gets off the cart and moves toward the bridge. He yells ‘Monsiour troll! Are you requiring a job?’


‘I have one better, it is called regular wages!’

‘Toll?’ The troll quirks his head slightly.

‘Indeed it is a toll that is paid for your services.’


‘We require your great size and fierceness in order to protect our cart. Would you like to join us?’

‘5 gold’

‘For your services, 5 gold will eventually be paid’

Sylvestre can visualise a future where they travel through the lands recruiting all the monsters and beasties to protect the cart instead of fighting them. They will be a badass band of renegades, funded on moving dead bodies and contraband.

The troll walks over the Sylvestre raises his club and screams ‘toll’ in his face.

‘Monsiour troll, do you understand how business works?’

Sylvestre thinks the troll may not understand a word he is speaking.

‘I am disappointed. The offer will always be on the table. You may contact me at anytime.’ He drops a business card and cheeses it.

The troll swings the club, which Sylvestre dodges very easily as he sprints back to the cart.

Kifo tries to speak goblin to the troll. ‘Hello, can you understand me speaking goblin?’


They decide to move on. Poor troll. The DM wonders how they sleep at night.

‘On a big pile of gold’ Silva.

‘and whistleroot’ Kifo.

They continue on their journey.

They are now in Mittelland. Osthafer it to their east. The temple is to the north east. They have the option of travelling to town with a busy intersection on the main road and asking for directions. They consider leaving the cart somewhere safe and travelling on foot to the temple with Sylvestre’s men to protect it.

They decide to wing it.

After the third day of travelling. They have stopped because they need to check the cart wheels are ok, they’ve been travelling over some rough terrain. They also feed the horses. It is early evening, about 5 or 6, and starting to get dark.

A group of people approach them. They are a large group of people riding bareback on horses. They look very rugged, wearing animal hides, with tattoos and many have dreadlocks. They don’t at all resemble the Dothraki.

A man that appears to be the leader, he’s riding the biggest and baddest horse. He trots over to you and says is a very cheery voice and wide grin ‘Hello friends!’

Bengi the horse lord of Yanuk

‘Hello’ says Kifo.

‘Do you have business here?’ says horseman.

‘We’re here as historians, travelling to the shrine.’

‘The shrine!’ horseman.

‘The shrine’ Kifo.

‘Oui’ says Sylvestre.

‘Shrine?’ asks horseman to Sylvestre.


Horseman looks strangely at Sylvestre.

‘I think you mean yar’ says Kifo to Sylvestre, nudging him.

‘We don’t get many travellers here.’ He says still beaming. ‘What are your names?’

‘I’m Keef’

‘Keef!’ horseman seems excited. ‘hmmmmmmm’

‘Miguel’ says Sylvestre in a very thick accent. Horseman tries to repeat but it’s just phlegm.

‘Ah, I see!’ exclaims Winklebert. ‘And my name is….Bert’ he says winking.

‘Wonderful, wonderful. My name in Bengi. Yes, we are the nomads of Yanuk!’

‘It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.’ Sylvestre says in his thickest of accents.

Horseman studies Sylvestre for a moment.

‘We dedicate our lives to maintaining the temples of Mittelland. Which temple are you here to visit?’

‘Sune?’ says Sylvestre with trepidation.

‘Was it Sune?’ whispers Kifo to Sylvestre.

‘Sune.’ Says Sylvestre with more authority this time.

‘Sune!’ shouts Bengi with glee. ‘The temple of the goddess of Love.’

They look at one another and nod.

‘Yes, lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely’ he mutters, rubbing his hands together, still smiling.

‘What brings you to this fine part of the country?’ Asks Sylvestre.

‘We travel, we travel everywhere, all over Mittelland. We’re always on the move.’ says Benji.

‘Ah, there is no better feeling than the wind in your hair and ze salt on your teeth. Wait, the dirt on your toes.’ Sylvestre says and then frowns. ‘And all that type of outdoorsy shit.’

He doesn’t seem to be able to understand a single word Sylvestre is saying, but continues to nod at him.

‘You’re a very polite person to nod and smile along to him even though you can’t understand what he’s saying, we do that to him sometimes.’ Says Kifo.

‘Where is your camp, maybe we can break bread together?’ Asks Kifo.

‘Camp? We camp wherever we feel we want to camp every night, where the wind takes us. We could camp right here if we wanted to.’

‘We could leave our friends behind’ mutters Sylvestre.

‘Because your friends do not camp, and if they don’t camp, then they ain’t no friends of mine.’

‘Our most recent camping area is just up this field. You can always come back to our place. Break bread. Drink some horse ale.’ Says horseman.

‘Well we’re not going to find a temple this evening are we?’ Says Kifo.

‘Quite right.’ Says Silva.

‘I reckon we break bread with the Dothraki bloke’. Says Kifo to the lads.

‘That’s a very nice wagon you’ve got there’. Says Bengi, getting a good look at it from all angles.

‘Thank you, that’s a very nice horse you have there.’ Says Kifo.

‘Oh thank you.’

‘It’s the biggest and baddest in all the land.’ Says Bengi.

‘Oh that’s nice.’ Says Kifo.

‘I must say old chap, we are getting rather low on rations so any sort of food could be quite indubitable.’ Says Winklebert.

‘I agree, I have some delicate seeds that I can share from my previous country I came from, they are called cat – nip. You’ll love it! Well, I love it.’ Says Kifo.

‘Right then’ Benji says clapping his hands together and turning his horse round. ‘It’s just up here. Can you keep up with us?’


He rides off with his company travelling north. It takes about 15 minutes to reach the camp.

Winklebert doesn’t think they are being lured into a trap AT ALL.

Kifo is eyeing up the massive horse.

Winklebert reckons he is going to shag that horse. Jesus Jake!

Apparently, he said shank… but we‘re not convinced.

It’s getting much darker by the time you reach the camp. It is made up of a handful of tents and you can see about 30 people milling around. The tents are situated in a circle, with a large open space in the centre, with a bonfire lit. As you get nearer, one person shouts to them ‘friends, friends!’ waving at them. ‘Join us.’ He is patting a space next to him on the bench he’s sitting on. And another person says ‘yes, join us, we don’t get many visitors!’

As you get closer, you can see there is a hog roasting on a spit and the smell is divine. They have tonnes of bread rolls also and other food and ales.

Yanuk camp

‘My word, this hog smells amazing!’ Says Winklebert.

Kifo offers his crystal ball to Bengi as a token of their appreciation. ‘Will you please take this gift for your hospitality?’ Holding the ball out towards the horse lord.

‘Well aren’t you lovely!’

‘I do my best’

‘- For a cat’

‘Oh, yes’ Says Kifo. ‘Fucking racist Dothraki’ he says under his breath.

‘What a fine gift this is, we will treasure it.’ Says Bengi, admiring it. ‘Here, take this.’ He passes across a bacon buttie.

‘Oh awesome, thank you.’ Says Kifo.

Bengi passes bacon butties round to the whole party.

Sylvestre takes a bite and announces to the lads, ‘It is not poison’.

As it gets later, people begin dancing around the fire waving their bacon butties and horse ales around.

Kifo regales them with stories of his past travels and adventures and they all love it.

The yanuk folk like them all so much they let them sleep in the big tent. Although Winklebert decides to meditate on their wagon instead.

The next day, they all wake feeling refreshed. Breakfast is bacon and porridge. They give the gang some dried out pork jerky to take away with them, which is about 10 days rations in total.

Bengi says ‘It’s been so lovely friends, you should visit us again. You are always welcome in our tent.’

‘I hope our paths cross again soon’ says Kifo.

Bengi says, ‘We will show you the way to the temple of Sune. We will take you there, and we will give you a good luck charm as well.’

He gives you all a small leaf, which is bright red. ‘This will bring you luck on your travels, so keep it safe, you might need it.’

‘May Tymora go with you.’ Says Kifo.

They get all their stuff packed away and a small group of about 6 riders accompany you to the temple.

‘What a lovely tribe’ says Kifo. Sylvestre checks on the crate, it’s still there.

A few hours later, it is about lunch time, the riders stop. One of them says ‘We won’t take you any further, just keep going north. After about 20 minutes, you will find what you’re looking for.’ He points in the direction. Then he says, ‘Until next time, goodbye friends.’

‘Goodbye’ says Kifo waving. The riders leave.

Winklebert immediately gives his leaf good luck charm to one of Sylvestre’s comrades ‘here, have that, I don’t trust them. Keep hold of this for me minion.’

Kifo licks the leaf, it tastes like a leaf.

They travel north towards the temple.

‘It’s not very often you come across such a nice tribe.’ Muses Kifo. ‘You could get killed in your sleep, or get into a fight, just lovely.’

‘They’re like, hello, would you like a bacon sandwich’ says Sylvestre.

‘And we have 10 days rations, and they didn’t even ask for money, or question anything about us!’

‘It’s because I gave them my lovely crystal ball. Which I stole.’ Says Kifo.

As they travel through a wooded area, they notice a slither of colour catch their eye, it’s a bit of red ribbon tied to a tree with frayed edges.

Forest of Sune

‘Look there, old chum. It’s a ribbon on a tree. How perplexing.’ Says Winklebert.

Looking up ahead, there are a few others, the occasional tree with a piece of bright coloured fabric or rag tied to the truck. They carry on their journey.

Winklebert calls out ‘Hello old chums, Is there anyone around here?’ He pauses, but there is no response. Continuing along, one tree has some flowers tucked into the ribbon, that are long dead.

They wonder if they are offerings to people who have died.

Winklebert uses the spell detect evil and good. He detects nothing.

Further on their journey, there is a clearing in the wooded area. Ahead of them there is a small hill and at the top is the temple.

Back to the top

Chapter Seven – The Temple

As you get closer to the temple, following a small path, either side of you are bright colourful flowers. The temple is made of a white marble, which sparkles and it catches the light and you can see small veins of pink and green run through it. The temple is in the shape of a womans head, with her eyes and mouth closed.

‘I zink that this may be the temple we are looking for’ says captain obvious, I mean Sylvestre.

Kifo and Winklebert were thinking the same.

‘Where is zis object?’ Asks Winklebert.

‘Vhy have you started talking like me?’ Asks Sylvestre.

‘Zit is very infectious’ says Winklebert.

‘Zen I suppose the best thing for us to do it to enter ze temple’ Says Sylvestre. He will be leaving his retainers outside the temple with the cart.

‘By jove lads, I do believe we are at the shrine. Post haste’ Says Winklebert, venturing forth. (This is the story about how Winklebert found his accent again).

Before they enter, they discuss what they know about the goddess Sune.

They know that she is the goddess of beauty, love and passion, her alignment is chaotic good, her symbol is the face of a red haired woman and you think that her relic is a ruby amulet, judging by holy scripture that Winklebert is familiar with.

‘I do believe that the relic we are looking for, may be this ruby amulet’ says Winklebert. ‘upon further inspection of this ragged note, this red headed symbol there might be this god woman’.

‘Yes’ Agrees Sylvestre.

Kifo requests of his comrades to put some of the rouge they found earlier in the backpack given to them by Sven, on his hair and to comb it through.

‘Sybil, please make this cat red’ Sylvestre commands of his retainer and claps his hands once.

They comb the rougeness through.

Kifo checks his reflection and hisses

‘He is indeed a very red cat’ says Sylvestre.

‘Ok, so now we’ve done that, tell me how beautiful I am.’ Says Kifo.

‘Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?’ Yells Winklebert.

‘I’m serious, when we get to the door of the temple, tell me how beautiful I am, or how beautiful you think I am.’ Says Kifo.

‘Very well’ says Sylvestre. ‘You are very, very beautiful Monsiour cat’ he drawls.

‘Oh, what are you like’ says Kifo, blushing.

As they approach the temple, Sylvestre walks all the way around and cannot see any doors or entry points. What he does notice is on the front of the face, on the right cheek area is a small amount of rouge.

‘Ah, I believe the door may be in the eye.’ Says Sylvestre. ‘Monsiour le shat, I am going to throw you at the eye.’ Says Sylvestre, moving closer to him to grab Kifo.

‘I could just climb, I’m a good climber.’ Says Kifo.

‘I suppose that works too’ says Sylvestre.

When Kifo climbs up the marble face and has a closer look at the eye, he finds that it is made entirely of marble, there is nothing of interest there.

Kifo holds the small mirror in front of the eye, nothing happens.

 ‘I believe chaps that we may have to use the rouge to balance the other cheek, so that they are quite symmetrical.’ Says Winklebert.

On closer inspection, the rouge smudge on the cheek is in the shape of some lips.

‘Cat person, go and kiss that cheek over there’ says Winklebert.

Kifo rouges his lips and kisses the cheek of the marble structure.

They all step back as the sound of crunching stone is heard and a doorway is revealed where the woman’s mouth was previously, there are steps going down inside.

They all walk through the doorway and down the steps. ‘What an interesting conception, let’s go!’ says Winklebert. ‘Chop chop’ says Sylvestre.

The stairs go down in an anticlockwise spiral direction. Inside, the walls and stairs are all made of the same white marble. Although there are no torches, it is very bright, almost as if there is some kind of magical light emanating from the marble.

The further down you go, it starts to feel a bit colder and you soon emerge into a small chamber. It is made entirely of the same white glowing marble. There is a doorway at the end in front of you and you can see 8 statues positioned around the room. The statues are situated in a circle, all facing towards the centre of the room, they appear to depict the same woman, with which she is in different poses and positions and wearing varying amount of clothes.

‘I say cat? How nimble are you? Asks Winklebert.

‘Pretty nimble’

‘How’s say you to dart across the room there?’

You also notice that although they are made of same white marble, they all have distinctively different coloured hair and eyes (which are the same for each statue – red hair, red eyes, etc). First on your left and going clockwise around the room, the colours of the hair and eyes of each are: blue, green, yellow, orange, red, purple, white, black.

Sylvestre pulls out his notebook and begins jotting down important notes, frowning in concentration. Kifo is looking around the room for clues.

‘Red and yellow and blue and green’ sings Winklebert softly.

Kifo examines the blood stained notebook given to them by Sven. He also gets out the small stone totem statue given to them by Sven to compare the posture of this miniature with the statues around the room; it appears to be the same woman, but none of the postures match exactly.

‘I can sing a rainbow’ Winklebert’s singing continues ‘sing a rainbow….’

They rummage through the other items given to them by Sven and there is a scarf in there. They consider putting the scarf around the statue with red hair.

Kifo walks across the room and tries the door. There is no door handle to try, so he gives it a little push and feels around for a switch but there is nothing there and the door does not open.

‘Gentlemen, this task seems perplexing, however I think I have the solution. See here, with all these clothed women and scantily dressed women, notice on the parchment, the red hair coloured lady is not wearing a scarf. I would like to clothe this red headed woman, to possibly gain entrance to the next room. What’s say you?’ Says winklebert.

’If that is what you think then that is what you should do’ says Sylvestre.

Winklebert proceeds to put the scarf around the neck of the statue with red hair, but nothing changes.

They look closer to see if the statues are all looking at the same specific spot in the room, but they are looking generally towards the middle of the room, not in a particular spot that they can tell.

‘Maybe we just touch zem in order of the rainbow’ Sylvestre says.

‘You want to touch some naked statues?’ asks Kifo scoffing.

‘I mean on ze leg, as opposed to your dirty cat mind.

Kifo sniggers.

Sylvestre touches the statues in the order: white, red, orange, green, blue purple, black. Nothing occurs.

Kifo moves towards the statue with the red hair and attempts to comb the red hair. The hair is marble, but he drags the comb across it, nothing seems to happen.

Sylvestre examines the door at the far end of the chamber, looking for writing, engravings or markings near the door, or in fact anywhere within the room and statues.

Perception check: K 14,  S 10,  J @ toilet

They detect no markings anywhere in the room, and feel like they’re running out of options.

*Jake returns*

Then Kifo kisses the red haired statue on the cheek.

You feel the marble starts to warm up slightly and feel a faint shuddering throughout the room as the door at the end begins to rise up revealing an opening. They realise that as she is the goddess of love and beauty, only the most beautiful person in the room must kiss the correct statue, and anyone who is familiar with the goddess Sune would know her symbol is the red haired woman. Kifo, with his rouge and immaculately groomed hair was the most beautiful person (or cat) in the room at the time.

‘I don’t know who said that it must be the most beautiful person in the room, but I find it quite disturbing, just look at my elegant moustache’ says Winkbert, to no one in particular – probably to the goddess herself, while twiddling the ‘stache between his finger.

Kifo suggests that Winklebert kiss the statue and see what happens.

‘And then he tries to stick his tongue into ze mouth’ drawls Sylvestre sarcastically.

But that was all Winkebert needed, as he proceeds to walk towards the red haired woman statue and french kiss it.

As soon as he makes contact with the statue, the door begins to move back down again.

Sylvestre’s first thought is to slide under the closing door Indiana jones style.

Kifo’s mind jumps to the scene in titanic, where they’re in the boiler room, the door is closing and the guys are like screaming, go go go!

Winklebert is thinking, ‘I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow….. ‘

Currently, Winklebert is standing furthest away from the door. If he got trapped in there, Sylvestre thinks that he would technically be the most beautiful person in the room, so he can just kiss it again and the door will open.

The DM is not so sure.

Sylvestre slides through the door quickly as it is closing.

Winklebert can’t see anything to prop open the door; getting frustrated, he says ‘I feel offense by this stupid marble statue. Cat, kiss the marble statue again post haste!’

Kifo does a reverse Indiana jones and slides back under the sliding door and hurries over to the statue and kisses it quickly. The door begins to slide back up.

Then Kifo walks through the doorway normally.

‘These marble charlatans do not know a good kiss! Hmph!’ Grumbles Winklebert as he marches through the door.

They walk a short way down a corridor and then find themselves at a crossroads of sorts. They can go straight on, left or right.

‘Shall we split up gang and look for clues?’ asks Sylvestre.

‘Yeah alright’ says Kifo, he goes right.

‘My statement is boldly forwards!’ exclaims Winklebert.

‘Then I shall go to ze left’ says Sylvestre.

They proceed on their chosen path, each of their routes leading to the same large room.

‘Hello’ says Kifo waving.

The room is massive, with multiple pillars and columns. There are holy symbols engraved onto the far wall, and some of the marble and stone chunks lie in heaps on the floor, covered in a thick layer of dust; you assume there had been some structure damage or a cave in many years ago. The first thing you notice is there are piles of gold and treasure everywhere; gold coins, bars, chests and gems sparkling at you temptingly.  ’Hmmm, this is the goddess of love, this makes no sense.’ Says Kifo.

Temple of gold

‘I agree’ says Sylvestre.

They think it wise to not touch the treasure, in case it is a trap. They proceed along the room, when they venture about halfway in, something catches their eye. The nearest pile of gold begins to shudder and the gold coins fall down like an avalanche, spilling out towards their feet.

As the large pile of gold pieces shudders and the gold falls away, it reveals a huge beetle in the centre, over 8 feet tall. It begins to hiss and snap it’s pincers and moves towards the three of them. Another three beetles in the chamber shake gold off their bodies and come alive, moving towards them. They notice two of the beetles have red shells, and two have blue.

‘sacrebleu!’ says Sylvestre. ‘It is Ringo star!’

Roll initiative!

W20 K13 S20 Red beetle1 16 Red Beetle2 Blue Beetle1 10 Blue Beetle2  19

Winklebert decides to wait for them to attack and defend his team mates.

Sylvestre brings forth monsieur hoot hoot and then holds his action.

Wilkebert reckons they should capture one of the red beetles and kiss it. It’s worked with everything so far!

Blue beetle 2 goes next. He scrutinises Kifo with his black beetley eyes and lunges forward with it’s sharp pincers, they both miss and it hisses in frustration.

Red beetle 1 goes next, it scuttles over to Sylvestre and casts a firebolt, but misses.

Winklebert says ‘what ho! These blighters shoot fire?! How crazy!’ Then he pulls out his mace and shield. He runs across to red beetle number 1 and swings his mace and misses. ‘I say, these beetles are more slippery than they look!’

Kifo leaps towards the nearest red beetle 2, lands on top of it, at which time the beetle swivels around to try and shake him off. Kifo has manages to hang on with some difficulty and kisses the beetle.

The beetle seems to get angry and growls, snapping its pincers quickly.

‘It’s not working!’ He yells. ‘It’s worked up to this point, but it’s not working anymore!’ He screams as the beetle swings him round like a rag doll.

‘You mean to tell me kissing everything in the kissing palace does not work?! Asks Winklebert.

Blue beetle number 1 casts ice shard on Kifo, which deals 5 damage.

As Winklebert considers whether to nuke them or heal his buddy, Sylvestre says ‘Ze best form of healing is killing zem’

‘I say Keef, how damaged are you?’

‘Well I’ve been bucked around on a beetle and fallen off from an ice shard hitting me, so very.’

Winklebert sighs.

‘I’m only on 3 health!’ says Kifo. ‘I mean, if I were able to quantify my health level, I’d say I only had 3 left!’

‘Very badly injured’ says Sylvestre mockingly.

‘I can’t feel my legs’ cries Kifo.

‘I say, hitting these foul creatures has no effect. One might have to try better with my crossbow!’ he says with a flourish.

He takes aim at the red beetle number 1.

‘It’s ok, don’t worry about the guy who’s nearly dead’ says Kifo, blood spilling out his mouth.

‘Don’t worry there comrade. I shall and come and get you after this encounter.’

‘Wonderful’ says Kifo. ‘I’m going to die…..’ he says quietly.

‘It is ok, you have 9 lives’ says Sylvestre.

Winklebert shoots the red beetle in the soft area under the shell and deals 7 damage. It lets out a high pitched shriek of agony and a pool of blood begins to spill out beneath it.

‘Aha! Foul beast, I shall slay you!’

Sylvestre send monsieur hoot hoot off to harass the red beetle number 1 by using the spell aid (aid means Sylvestre gets advantage on his attack). Then he shoots the beetle with his longbow dealing 6 damage. The beetle is still alive, but looking quite injured and unhappy.

Red beetle number 1 scuttles towards Sylvestre and reaches forward clamping it’s pincers, making a loud clicking noise. It lunges forward towards his face, it misses.

Blue beetle number 2 attacks Kifo and hits, dealing 6 damage with it’s pincers.

Kifo’s health reaches 0. He is unconscious.

‘Oh no old chap! I thought you were pretty reflex-like.’ Winklebert says

Kifo’s first death-saving throw – FAIL

Blue beetle 1 attacks Winklebert and misses. ‘Aha! Jolly good fun this is!’

‘I say comrade, let’s get you back in the fray! Now come here, I’ll show you a true kiss!’ Says Winklebert.

Kifo isn’t sure what’s happening.

Winklebert will use his cure wounds ability.

‘Oh the one where you can heal someone by touching them in any way, like with your hand would be fine?’ Says unconscious Kifo.

Winklebert feels that as they’re in the temple of love, he is feeling thematic and jealous of Kifo’s ability to be able to kiss the statues and solve the puzzles.

Winklebert heals Kifo for 8 heath points.

He comes away with a shameless smear of rouge across his lips.

‘Now cat! Back to the fray!’


Sylvestre sends his monsieur hoot hoot to the damaged red beetle 1 casting aid and shoots it with his longbow. He deals 10 damage, and it kills poor beetle.

‘Le twang’

Blue beetle 2 notices Kifo’s just got up and attacks him with his pincers, and deals 2 damage.

Red beetle 1 casts firebolt at Sylvestre for 8 damage.

‘I say chaps. Let’s make juice of these beetles, lets make Beetlejuice!’

‘Ha ha ha ha.’

 ‘Ah that reminds me of a place I went to, out in space. I’ve travelled round quite a lot’ Says Kifo, reminiscing.

‘I think you mean Betelgeuse’ Says Sylvestre.

‘no, there was a weird robot there, it was all rather sad’ says Kifo.

 ‘Ah, I have not seen ze hitchhikers guide to ze galaxy.’ Says Sylvestre.

Kifo draws his short sword and attacks the red beetle dealing 5 damage and it makes an audible squelching noise.

They review that so far they have killed a red beetle and a blue beetle, heavily maimed a red beetle and still have a blue beetle left to kill. Kifo tried to spread the love by kissing the red one, but that didn’t seem to do any good.

Winklebert says ‘I say, nip at my ankles foul beast and I shall slay you!’

‘I have shot myself in the foot’ cries Sylvestre mockingly.

Wiklebert ignores the jibe and charges and strikes the red bloody beetle, dealing 8 damage and killing it. ‘Ah, what good fun this is old chaps!’

Sylvestre sends monsieur hoot hoot off to aid him, then takes aim with hit longbow at the remaining blue beetle. He hits for 7 damage and immediately shoots the beetle a second time for 4 damage. The beetle shrieks in agony and hisses.

‘I have loosened it for you’ says Sylvestre to Kifo.

Blue beetle goes next, it looks around in despair, panicking, thinking my friends, you killed my friends! It tries to attack Winklebert, casting ice shard but misses.

‘I say foul beast! Your icy blast does nothing to me!’

Kifo runs towards blue beetle with his short sword out, he’s gonna shring him. ‘I’m gonna shring ‘im’ he cries and then lets out a mighty war cry and hits it in the eyeball, ‘I tried to love you!’ The last beetle dies.

‘What bracing sport lads!’ exclaims Winklebert.

Kifo examines the beetle closer, and is disappointed to find they have no skulls he can salvage.

However, they’ve made plenty of beetle chutney. ’We’ve made beetle juice!’ Says Winklebert.

’Sorry’ DM

’Is that jarable and sellable?’ Asks Kifo, unfortunately they have no vials.

Sylvestre checks to see if their external, hard shells can be harvested and used for armour. He makes a mental note to retrieve them on their way out and load up the wagon with the large shells. He doesn’t know if they’re valuable at all but he’s willing to take them back and see what use they can find. He’s played too much monster hunter to not try it.

Kifo has a small knife and begins butchering the carcases.

Winklebert reclaims his arrows. Kifo does a perception check of the room. He notices it’s a nice looking room, very big. The piles of gold pieces glint at him temptingly. There’s not much else of interest that he can see.

‘I feel that we shouldn’t steal from a shrine’ says Kifo.

‘I agree’ says Sylvestre.

‘I shall also say that I found another way toa go back at the left side.’ Says Sylvestre.

‘Oh nice,.. There’s a way straight on as well.’ Says Kifo.

‘Excellent! I will let you be the one to decide!’ says Sylvestre.

‘I say, onwards and upwards!’ says Winklebert

Ahead of them, near the crumbling stone, is a part of the wall with a large hole, as if someone had mined through. They head through.

The beautiful marble that made up the temple has changed to dark stone as they venture through the hole. Dirt cakes the floor and walls, it’s dark, cold and wet down there.

‘How fare you chums?’ Asks Winklebert.

‘Well I have been fireballed in the face, and it hurt like a bitch!’ says Sylvestre.

‘I nearly died.’ Says Kifo. ‘But I did kill two beetles, so ya know’

‘Thank goodness I gave you the kiss of life’ Says Winklebert winking.

Kifo shudders.

‘Yes, thank you for that; not that you needed to. Your moustache tickled.’

Winklebert strokes his magnificent ‘stache and says ‘every time I kiss someone my moustache gains another whisker. It’s why it’s so full and voluptuous’

They continue going down, the passage gets darker. They reach a point where two forks of this passage merge into one, they are on the right-hand side passage. They can turn to the left and go back on themselves, but they decide to continue going straight.

After a little while, the passage gets narrower and turns around to the right slightly. Then the passage opens up into a medium sized cavern, and across the room they can see there is an even larger room ahead of them. But as they get closer it looks strange. There appears to be a glowing wall ahead of you, spanning the width of the room, with no visible way around it. It’s glowing with a red light, and pulsating and they near it.

(side note – Temple map will be added soon)

As the mage, Winklebert scratches his chin and has a think about how to dispel this magical wall.

Kifo applies the small amount of rouge he has left, puckers up his lips and goes to kiss it. As his face nears the wall, the stoney texture he expects to feel never comes, instead, his body goes straight through the wall, and he feels a warmth as he passes. ‘Ooooooh’ He quite likes the feeling and sits down on the floor halfway through the red glowing wall, enjoying the warm sensation. Nothing else happens to him apart from his hair goes up on end (in a good way), causing him to practically double in size. He’s very cosy and purrs. ‘Look how fluffy I’ve gone!’ He exclaims.

Sylvestre follows him through and feels the same warm, pleasant sensation.

‘What ho! What a perplexing thing to happen!’ Says Winklebert.

‘I cannot hear you’ shouts Sylvestre. ‘I’m on the other side of the wall’.

Kifo leans through to Sylvestre’s side and leans back to Winklebert like a see saw acting as a messenger, conveying the messages to each other. The wall is about half a foot in thickness.

‘It appears we have found a hidden entrance’ says Winklebert. ‘Let’s go forward! Tally ho!’

And he proceeds to step through the wall, he immediately feels a burning sensation in his body and takes 3 damage. ‘Ow What is this monstrosity?!’ he shouts.

‘It’s because ugly people belong in the gutter’ Says Kifo. ‘Have you tried laying down and get through the wall, treating it like an actual gutter?’ They all snigger. ‘Although, seriously, is there anything around here like a gutter you can lay in?’ Kifo says looking around.

‘Shut up’

‘I’m not, you got burned by the wall’ Kifo

‘And yet he got through fine!’ Winkle says pointing to Sylvestre.

‘It is because I am beautiful’ says Sylvestre stroking his hair.

‘But look at this beautiful moustache and long silver hair.’ Says Winkle. ‘It’s because I’m a hipster, these guys are like prejudice against frikkin hipsters.’ He shakes his fist.

Winklebert is able to make it through the wall, after taking his burn damage. H pats himself down to put out any lingering small flames. He fine clothes are all ruined, with scorch marks. His moustache caught fire on one side. With a vacant expression, he licks his fingers and extinguishes the flame on his moustache.

‘I can’t believe you got burned by the wall of beauty.’ Says Kifo as they begin walking forward together.

They try to figure out why Winklebert got burned and Kifo and Sylvestre didn’t, they consider the deities they worship, or perhaps it’s something to do with their alignments, but can’t be sure.

Winklebert does a quick prayer to his deity Amaunator and beseeches him for protection against the sun, and heat from the fire.

DM reminds him that Winklebert is trying to get a blessing from a deity in another gods temple, and it might not go down too well.

‘I think it’s a good idea’ says Kifo cheerfully, ’ What’s the worse that could happen?’

Winklebert retrieves a blessing and gets an additional D4 on attack rolls for a limited time only.

‘Hmmm, I was hoping for fire resistance’ says Winklebert, grumbling.

‘Ah, you get what you’re given.’ Says Kifo.

You cannot pick and choose the gods holy blessing.

They eventually reach a very large cavern, they climb several large steps and in front of them is a large stone plinth. There a huge blade coming down from the ceiling, pointing downwards, with a gap of about 3 feet between the tip of the blade and the plinth.

At one end of the plinth is a stone gargoyle structure that looms over them. As you get a bit close, Sylvestre (and only Sylvestre) sees a woman laying on the stone plinth. She is tied down with chains and screaming him ‘My love, my love! Rescue me, rescue me! Please, I beg you!’ From this position, you notice that the sword above her is very slowly moving downwards closer to her.

‘Sacrebleu! We have to save zis woman!’ Says Sylvestre. ‘All hands on deck!’

However, the other two can only see the stone plinth and the sword, there is no woman there. They both have no idea what Sylvestre is talking about.

Sylvestre examines her face, and recognises her but he knows not where from. She is someone from his past, someone that perhaps he had a relationship with at one time.

The chains with which her hands and feet are tied, seem to go directly into the stone itself, there is no visible padlock, or locking mechanism.

After a minute or two of a lot of confusion, something else catches their eye, strange things floating down from the ceiling. They appear to be small balls of magical light, slowly dancing downwards, like tiny bubbles of pink light.

Sylvestre sends monsieur hoot hoot to fly up high and pop one of them. The owl pecks at one of them, but nothing seems to happen, the bubbles does not burst or do anything other than glow slightly brighter for a moment and continue it’s journey downward.

Meanwhile Winklebert does an arcana check on the bubbles, he has no idea what sort of magic it is, but it’s a great trick, even better than that juggling he saw earlier in Valoit.

‘My word, these pink bubbles are mesmerising! He says ‘I shall stand here and do nothing for no apparent reason, but to look at these bubbles and then to eventually notice a sword gradually going down!’ He says with his hands on his hips.

Kifo, after hearing Sylvestre talk about a woman laying down on the stone plinth in front of them, steps forward and places his hand gently downward on the plinth, in the centre, where he thinks someone would be. He lowers his hand very slowly, and once it gets to the point where his hand would be an inch away from her skin, the gargoyle statue that is situated next to the stone plinth, suddenly jerks and comes alive. It spreads it’s wings, jumps high up into the air, swoops above all of them and lands near to the entrance, close to Winklebert.


Roll initiative

Winklebert 20 Kifo 16 Sylvestre 9

‘I say! What be this gargoyle blocking my way?! ‘ Winklebert says. He can‘t see any visual threat that would warrant him to attack it, apart from it looking generally hostile, glaring at them with it‘s wings spread out.

Meanwhile the woman is still screaming out the name ‘Sylvestre! Help me! ‘

‘I am quite perplexed! Why are you saying there is a woman shouting your name around here? ‘ Winklebert asks.

‘Because zer is‘Sylvestre says pointing towards the stone plinth. ‘You blind, ignorant fool‘

‘But I see nothing! ‘ Winklebert claims. He is confused as to what‘s happening, but he prepares for a fight and swaps his crossbow for his mace and shield. He turns in the direction of the gargoyle and gets in to a defensive stance, readying himself.

After recovering from the shock of the gargoyle‘s unexpected flight, Kifo turns his attention back to the woman, his hand appears to be touching her head, but he can‘t feel anything. His hand is moving straight through her, as if it is an illusion. To Sylvestre, it looks like he is massaging her brain. She seems unaware of it.

He quickly gets the mirror out of the backpack and positions it up in the air to reflect back at the stone plinth, where the woman lay, to see if he can see her reflected within. He can‘t see her in the mirrors reflection, just the stone and manacles. After a moment, one of the tiny pink fluffy bubbles, floats down and nestles lightly on Kifo‘s shoulder. As soon as it makes contact, it‘s as though a jolt of electricity runs through his entire body, and suddenly, he can see the woman in front of him. He notices his hand still looks like it is moving through her brain. At the same moment, it is as if she‘ noticing him all of a sudden. She looks directly at Kifo and yells ‘Woah, Who are you? What are you doing? ‘ She look horrified at where his hand is, then begins screaming again, while looking at the blade above her which is getting closer and closer.

Kifo is curious to know what would happen if he popped another pink bubble. He goes looking for one, finds one quite high up. He leaps and boops it with his paw, but his hand just goes through it, and the bubble remains on its downward descent. He feels nothing as he makes contact.

Sylvestre attempts to cut his way through the chains using his machete. Kifo asks if he‘s considered lopping a hand off and it‘ll come straight out. As the machete makes contact with the chain, it makes a metal on metal ting sound, but barely makes an impact on the chain. It does however dent his nice shiny machete.


Sylvestre then does a perception check on the stone plinth to check for any kind of mechanism controlling the blade. He look all the way around and stands on the stone to examine the blade. He can‘t see anything that looks man made, it all appears to be natural stone, part of the cave. There is no button or lever, like he was hoping to find.

the woman is still screaming ‘Help me! My love! I‘m going to die! ‘ And sobs dramatically.

Winklebert doesn‘t know any of this is going on, he‘s preoccupied with the gargoyle, making sure to monitor it very closely. He has no idea why Sylvestre and Kifo are so interested in that stone plinth and blade, he wonders what‘s going on.

Kifo, realising that Winklebert is probably confused, yells at him ‘pop a bubble! One of those pink bubbles, pop one! ‘

The gargoyle begins to march towards Winklebert, the noise of it‘s footsteps are like heavy stone on stone bangs that echo loudly, as it approaches closer and closer to Winklebert, getting uncomfortably close, it stills for a moment, motionless as a statue, then lunges forward, head butting Winklebert.

Winklebert‘s reflexes are unearthly, he easily dodges the stone beasts advance, and uses his shield to block him. ‘Aha! Not today, you old gargoyle! ‘

The gargoyle steps back a couple of steps and stills.

Winklebert wonders whether his crossbow would be effective against this stone gargoyle, or would the bolts just ricochet off. Perhaps it could chisel pieces of stone away from it‘s body. ‘Well‘, he thinks, ‘look‘s like he‘ll be solo tanking this thing, whilst not being able to heal myself.. ‘

‘You should kiss her‘ says Kifo to Sylvestre, who rolls his eyes. ‘I‘m serious though, try kissing her, if she‘s a love from a past life‘ ‘

‘Apparently‘ Says Sylvestre.

‘Apparently. ‘ Kifo agrees.

The gargoyle is adopting a defensive stance, it‘s legs wide apart, as if trying to stop anyone passing. It‘s quite low to the ground also.

Winklebert tries to baseball slide underneath it‘s legs, do a quick 180 and hit it on the back of it‘s head sharply. Or at least that would the initial idea, but he fumbles his slide, and ends up halfway underneath the gargoyle, fining himself almost wedged between, looking up at it. ‘Ah, this is fine my me! ‘ Says Winklebert jovially. He then smashes it on the crotch. He does this while he‘s still moving to get that extra momentum in his swing.

It was a nice idea, but unfortunately the swing wasn‘t hard enough to do any damage, it‘s likely the gargoyle didn‘t even feel it. Now Winklebert is stuck in betweenit‘s legs.

Meanwhile, the woman is still in distress, screaming nonsensically by this point and looking frantically around. She gives Kifo a confused look. Kifo turns to the lady very calmly and says ‘How can I help? ‘ The woman gives an exasperated look at him and then the blade, then says ‘There‘s a massive sword there! I‘m going to die!‘

‘Ah yeah, stupid question‘ Kifo says.

Kifo is thinking about bending the sword out somehow, but he doesn‘t have anything to bend it with.

By the powers of telepathy, Winklebert suggests that he sort of rugby tackle the blade to break it away from it‘s current trajectory. ‘I‘m not rugby tackling a fucking sword‘ Kifo says.

‘So how did Kifo die? Well, he dived on a sword and impaled himself‘ Says Sylvestre mockingly.

See this is my impression of a sword (does impression of a sword), these are the pointy bits, this, not so sharp. This is the hilt, you tackle it this way on, not this way, you don‘t tackle it this way on, you tackle it this way on.

- Jake

‘Lasso it on! ‘ Winklebert thinks

‘I can or I can just stand next to it and tie it on. ‘ Says Kifo.

He takes the rope out and makes a nice clinch knot with a loop, places the blade in the loop against the flat of the blade, very low down, he then backs away from it, perpendicular to the flat of the blade, pulling the rope tight, using the maximum leverage and attempting to bend it.

DM wants the full equation of the force applied and the tensile strength of the blade.

Kifo uses all his 7 strength to pull as hard as he can, but there is no visible change. Sylvestre sees he is struggling and assists, it‘s like the‘re playing a game of tug of war with the thing, and they think they notice a slight movement, as they‘re able to move backwards slightly. It‘s soon evident, that the rope fibres are beginning to get cut by the edge of the blade, and it‘s causing the rope to unravel itself. The sword remains in place, slowly moving closer to the plinth.

‘Shoul‘ve kissed her‘ Says Kifo.

‘Kiss the sword‘ Winklebert suggests, they‘ll try anything at this point.

It‘s the gargoyles turn, Winklebert is still laying between the legs. ‘I don‘t know what you‘re talking about‘ He says proudly. The gargoyle notices the elf beneath him, bends over to look directly at Winklebert. He (the gargoyle is a male of the species) assesses him for a moment, then shifts his left leg back, and lifts his right leg off the ground a few inches behind him, and jerks it forward, with the intention of kicking Winklebert on the side and booting him several feet away from him. The gargoyle is very slow in his movements, and so when Winklebert notices it‘s intention, he scrambles out in time to avoid the kick.

‘I say, this gargoyle over here is a damn good foe! ‘ He shouts to the others. ‘Let‘s give it the old one two this time. Same again, and charge! ‘ Winklebert moves forward with his mace raised above his head and boops it on the side of it‘s head. He inflicts 3 damage and a small amount of stone crumbles away where the beasts ear would be. ‘Take that! ‘

Kifo thinks Winklebert s like a posh general from the same country as this bloke here, looking at Slyvestre.


Kifo abandons the plan of trying to bend the sword. ‘What should we do? ‘ He asks Sylvestre. ‘Kill ze gargoyle‘

‘Is that what you‘re going to do?‘

‘Oui, zat will stop ze blade‘

‘Ok, you‘re sure? ‘ Asks Kifo.


‘And if not, the love of your life is dead‘ Pipes up Winklebert.

‘Well, this one‘ Sylvestre says avoiding eye contact with the unfortunate damsel.

the lady heard that, she looks directly at him and is like ‘Hey, Aren‘t I your true love? I bet you don‘t even remember my name! ‘

‘Of course I do! You are my sweet, my angel. Let‘s go kill ze gargoyle, quickly now‘ then he hurries away from her and approaches the stone beast.

‘so you‘re still not gonna kiss her then‘ Says Kifo as his companion darts past him.

At that moment a small pink, fuzzy bubble floats quite lose to Winklebert‘s face, almost temptingly.

‘what is this fuzzy ball thing? ‘ He exclaims ‘I care not for you! ‘ Getting irritated.

Back to the top

Story 22nd December 2018

Chapter One – Summary of last time and downtime

Summary of last time

Last time, we found ourselves in the city of Valoit in Vasselheim, it was the festival of the Conquête le Roi. You entered the arène de la mort, but sadly didn’t make it past the first round. You became friendly with one another while recounting your tales of injustice in the changing rooms. Upon leaving the arena, you met up with a few of Silvestre’s companions and were heading to ye olde cubes. You didn’t get very far before someone ran into you, before scurrying off and dropping a small leather pouch on the floor. In the pouch were a variety of objects, including a note to meet a man in a shop a few streets down. And from there your quest began.

The man gave you a quest, to retrieve the relic of the goddess Sune, located in Mittelland. Off you went to make arrangements. After causing a fight on the streets, starting a fire that consumed several buildings, stealing two horses and a wagon and purchasing a crate of illegal contraband and offering to remove a dead body for a very shady man indeed, you head off on your adventure to retrieve the relic.

On your journey, you insulted the honour of a troll and met one of the tribes of yanuk, the famous wardens of the temples of Mittelland. As foreboding as they first appeared, it turns out they’re a bunch of really nice chaps, who love bacon butties.

You reached the temple of Sune and, using your wit and intellect to reach the inner chamber, you managed to retrieve the relic and keep it for yourselves.

Your final destination was the capital of Mittelland, the city of Osthafer. It was the middle of the night, when you snuck in and met up with Miko, in the hopes of selling the contraband for a profit, however he offered you a terrible deal, which you refused.

Now you find yourself in Osthafer, with a massive crate of illegal substance, on a stolen wagon, with stolen horses.

What adventures await you in this instalment? Which laws will be broken this time, how many females will Lord Winklebert creep out within the first half hour? Who knows, the possibilities are endless, so let’s find out.

An introduction

After your last conversation with Miko the mischievous, which quickly turned sour, because you have decided to stay in this city, which had previously been claimed by Miko and his men, he hasn’t taken kindly to you invading his turf and setting up shop. You have anticipated an attempt at sabotage, and have decided to acquire the proper security. Bring in Magignis, who is a hired sword, a mercenary, who is usually stationed at the warehouse, keeping guard. Anyone who comes sniffing around, you quickly send them on their way. You’re not afraid of hiding a few dead bodies when there is need for it and setting a few underpants on fire.

Mako Tornado, who is a Triton, used to be a fisherman, but is now a smuggler. He is in the business of import/ export – he has a small vessel used for transporting goods, and have a knack for slipping in and out of the port in a discrete manner, avoiding detection and consequently, any import taxes or fees. Mako heard about a group of lads and cats that have embarked on a business venture and have agreed to work together, in a mutually prosperous deal.


It’s been about two weeks, you’ve already acquired a small warehouse, which Sylvestre’s arranged, with a large sign above the door saying


You have a large crate of wristleroot at your disposal, a highly addictive herb which is outlawed in the northern countries of Khartheon. Many people who get their hands on it brew it into a drink called jzu jzu which makes people go mental, it affects people in different ways, some people get high, or sleepy, some people have a mental breakdown, some people can have a high and then crash causing them to be unconscious for several days; it can be very dangerous. The jzu jzu is commonly put in their drinks, you can also produce a concentrated tincture that can be dropped into peoples eyes, the raw herb can also be smoked.

In order to make the jzu jzu, an alchemist is required with the specific skills and equipment.

‘Can we just have a go?’ Asks Kifo.

‘Yeah, how hard can this brewing business be?’ Says Winklebert. ‘I reckon we can just chuck it all together!’

If you can roll a natural 20 you can make all the jzu jzu, roll a natural 1, it all gets destroyed.

*Rolled 12*

Nothing bad happens….. yet.

The lads and cat have a few options regarding what to do with the wristleroot:

Do you want to sell it (as it is), or try to manufacture other things? A few examples of what you could make are: jzu jzu – a tonic of various different strengths that is commonly added to beverages. A paste, which has many medicinal properties, a tincture, which is the strongest form of the substance, that can be administered using a dropper, it can also be brewed in a way as to create a strong poison. This will require a very skilled alchemist to brew these various things. 

In order to make anything useful, you will need a book about apothecary practices.

There are 3 famous volumes that mentions wristleroot, with, different brewing methods in each.

In your time in the city, you found a bookshop that sells the alchemy books that mention wristleroot. It is a book shop in the market square called Judd’s book emporium. The costs of the books are as follows: Beginner 5gp, Intermediate 8gp, Advanced 12gp. The medium alchemy set including basic ingredients – 50gp

They suggest that they all go to this book shop and have a quick look through the pages to check how good these books are. Mako suggests they visit the shop and flick through these books multiple times on several visits thoroughly checking the quality of these books.

The book shop owner would like to remind them that it’s not a library and he doesn’t appreciate them spending too long in his shop without buying anything.

Winklebert wants to distract him and grab them and run.

‘I suggest that we string him up, tie him up, throw him into the closet and we take over ze bookshop!’ Says Sylvestre. He would like it be known that he does not say this while in the book shop.

‘Let’s expand out empire, I like the sound of an apothecary and library book shop emporium!’ Says Kifo.

‘Ah Yes’ says Sylvestre. ‘ze Kifo’s import export apothecary and library!’

‘And other services’ says Winklebert winking.

Silvestre says, while gesturing with his hands to an imaginary sign ‘Oiu, and other services’

‘I like it – we need to buy a book, therefore we will take over the bookshop as our own and dispose of the owner’ says Kifo.

They’d do anything to avoid spending some coin, Dm is not impressed…

Magignis suggests that he cast ‘friends’ on the bookshop owner and then bargain for the books to try to get the best possible deal.

Mako suggests he use his minor illusion to steal the books and cast an illusion of the books still sitting on the shelf, giving him time to sneak out.

‘I zink we have this unlocked!’ says Sylvestre.

Kifo says, ‘I have some lock picks so if they all fail, we can come back at night and break in and steal them’.

So now they have their plan of action, time to head over to the bookshop.

While in the bookshop…

Magignis casts ‘friends’ on the shopkeeper (It is worth noting that this spell only lasts for one minute)

‘Right, Now that we’re best friends’ says Gig.

‘Oh, mate! Gigalo!’ he says with a warm smile.

‘I don’t know what your name is but hello!’ says Gig.

Someone whispers ‘Judd’

‘Judd! Hello Judd!’ says Gig. ‘Umm these books look great, but they’re just wildly expensive. Do you not want to lend your buddy, you know, your best friend from our youth, lend it to us for a little bit?’

’Well, I can give you friends discount’ He says.

‘How about the five finger discount?’ Asks Gig raising his eyebrows.

Persuasion check 12

‘Ah mate, I tell you what I’ll do, I’ll give you a good discount, really good discount, so bearing in mind the recommended retail price is 25 gold pieces, I can give them to you for an amazing 18 gold pieces for the lot!’

‘Hmmm, I don’t have 18 gold pieces’ says Gig. However, he did save them 7 gold pieces, so he suggests to the guys that they each give him 5 and Gig gives 2.

Time is ticking for the spell to ware off.

They count their coins frantically.

10 seconds left.

Gig gives 3. Sylvestre gives 3. Kifo gives. 6 Someone takes 6 from Winklebert when he wasn’t looking.

The books are sold, they run off out of the shop, books in hand, the shopkeeper is waving them off merrily. Winklebert is like ‘What just happened here?’

‘Who wants to look after these books?’ Asks Gig.

‘I shall look after these’ says Sylverstre. ‘In my handy pouch.’

‘Where’s my money?’ Asks Winklebert bewildered.

They head back to the warehouse with their new alchemy books. They’re better prepared to brew the jzu jzu but if they want to attempt to brew it, the same rules apply, in that if they roll a natural 1, all their supply of wristleroot will be destroyed, and a 20 will brew a perfect supply of jzu jzu. To improve their odds of successfully brewing the jzu jzu, they still need a skilled alchemist.

‘Well is there not one at the job centre? At ye olde medieval job centre?’ Asks Gig. ‘Or a guild or somewhere we could hire one? We could put an advert out and pick one up on the cheap.’

‘Ah we will let zem brew it, zen we will kill them and throw them in ze river’! says Sylvestre, he likes that plan.

‘We could hand out flyers – wanted – illegals substance brewer alchemist!’ says Mako.

‘Maybe don’t advertise like that’ says Gig.

‘Looking for alchemist – morals not required’ says Mako.

Most people in this region are aware of wristleroot and know its highly illegal.

‘I think you’ll find that wristleroot can be used as a herbal potion, and not necessarily one of an unsavoury nature’ says Winklebert.

‘Miko wanted to buy our whistleroot didn’t he? But turned down the offer’ Asks Kifo, he thinks back to where he met him, it was in a tavern in the city, not too far away. He wants to go see Miko, in the tavern wrenches hook.

They inform Gig and Mako of the events that unfolded last time, whereby they travelled to the tavern wrenches hook in order to sell the wristleroot to him, in turn making a profit for themselves. The offer Miko proposed was rejected by the gang, he only wanted to offer them half the agreed upon price. Hence why they have all this wristleroot in their possession.

Gig still thinks the advertisements could work.

‘But isn’t that like walking around town with a flyer that says we need to find someone who can make cocaine for us.’ Says Kifo.

‘I’m not saying that we advertise for a drug producer, I’m saying we advertise for a chemist, and don’t be specific.’ Says Gig. ‘Freelance alchemist required. That’s all I’m saying.’

‘Part of the interview process could be that they make it and then we say that they didn’t get the job.’ Suggests Sylvestre.

‘Then they can try it we say they don’t get the job.’ -Gig

They decide to talk to Miko at the wrenches hook tavern and see if he can recommend a good alchemist.

DM askes them to bear in mind that Miko the mischievous doesn’t like you very much, because you all rocked up on his turf, your essentially his competition in town and that’s part of the reason why you hired your bodyguard Magignis. Miko’s been in the city for a very long time, his business is well ingrained and established within the city, it may be difficult to overthrow him.

‘I zink it is time for a change in management! Welcome to Kifo’s import export apothecary!’ Sylvestre says with a flourish.

It would seem the only possible option is to eliminate the competition, get him out of the city so their business can thrive. Then you can take his suppliers, his distribution connections and his alchemists.

‘Ah monsieur, let’s go and fuck him up!’ Says Sylvestre.

They reach the tavern, inside it’s dark, dirty and shady. Grime cakes the walls and floor, the filthy windows let in no light, there are a few candles lit around the room.

Magignis eyes up the liquor behind the bar, with a sparkle in his eye.

‘Uh oh, I will step out of ze bar’. Says Sylvestre, fleeing from his fiery companion.

Kifo stands near the door of the tavern, leaning on the door frame, watching the events unfold.

‘Officially my title is insurance agent’ says Magignis with a grin. He thinks for a moment how best to proceed.

‘Don’t worry sir! I am with you!’ Says Winklebert

Magignis can see there are two really tough looking dudes who appear to be body guards.

Kifo puts his woodland cat hat on in readiness.

Winklebert fastens his jacket and tweaks his moustache.

Magignis strolls over to the counter, thumps his fist on the bar and says ‘I’ll have a beer please!’ Then points his thumb at the bodyguards and says ‘those guys are paying’

The innkeeper is rubbing a tankard with a filthy rag, he looks Magignis up and down, grumbles to himself and pours him a tankard of ale.

‘Thank you!’

‘Five silver’ the innkeeper says.

A moment of silence passes.

Magignis leaves the tankard on the bar and says to the innkeeper ‘Your days are numbered’

Someone whispers to him ‘That’s not Miko’

Kifo is looking around this fine establishment and says in a hushed whisper ‘We should get a bar!’

The innkeeper doesn’t appreciate his tone and says ‘I think you ought to leave mate. OUT! All of ye’

Magignis sips the beer.

The innkeeper leans on the bar with both fists looks over at Miko, who is sat at the other end of the bar, who has been watching the events unfold and says to him ;I think this bloke needs escorting of the premises’

Two of the three bodyguards walk over and begin to push you out the door.

Magignis picks up the glass and glasses one of them in the face.

While this is happening, Kifo sneaks over the bar and creeps up close the Miko, he is so stealthy no one notices him.

The bodyguard flinches from the impact and cradles his face, now bleeding and drenched in ale.

Magignis takes the opportunity and produces a flame to attempt to set the man alight.

The ale-soaked man does not ignite. He reaches his hand out and grasps onto Magignis’ throat and lifts him up in the air, his face distorted in ale-soaked and bloody rage.

The bodyguard carries Magignis, who is hanging limply in his muscular grip like a rag doll, towards the front door of the tavern and throws him out the door. He lands in a heap and takes 3 damage.

There is a moment silence as a voice is heard throughout the room:

Kharthozade, now with Khatholytes, need a boost when no mage will do? Forget your gods, clutch to a refreshing Kharthozade, packed with nutritious Khartholoids, it’s Kharthoriffic!

Terms and conditions may apply, not suitable for pregnant woman or people with poor constitution, produced by Nightshade Beverages incorporated. Side effects may include loss of sight, slight poisoning, uncontrollable bowel movements, glimpses into the distant past or future, envisaging the face of the gods and gas.

Kharthozade, available now in all good general stores!

‘Ah, it’s those god damn advertisements again, they’re always trying to flog the stuff’ says the innkeeper.

‘Classic Kharthozade, I’ve heard a lot about Kharthozade’ says Kifo.

Roll initiative

DM would like to remind them that this is only downtime and we’ve not even started the story yet….

Sylvestre calls upon his monsieur hoot hoot. (‘Ah classic hoot hoot’ says Kifo.) to go and harass the man who threw Magignis out of the tavern and then Sylvestre will slap the man in the face with his machete for 6 damage.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I have started the fight. Alonze bitches!’ shouts Sylvestre.

At this point there are still a few other punters in the bar. This is such a rough bar, there are always bar fights, this is a typical Tuesday for them. There’s three in the corner and about four along the other end.

One of the bodyguards will go next (guard number 3), he walks up to Sylvestre, unsheathes his sword and attempts to hit him in the face with it, but misses.

Winklebert gets out his crossbow nocks a bolt and says ‘I say fellow, attacking my friends while they do not have their weapons is cowardly! How dare you shoot my friend.’

Then he tries to shoot wet guard number 1 who threw Magignis out of the bar. Winklebert misses.

At this point, Kifo attempts to disguise himself, without shaving himself, he puts on his cloak and puts the hood up and stands in the shady corner, but continues to shimmy along the wall heading towards the back of the tavern behind Miko. The cat has a plan.

Miko seems uninterested in the flight, he’s watching, but continues sipping his drink.

Wet guard number 1 goes next, he has a little pocket crossbow which he raises, takes aim at winklebert but misses.


‘Aha a duelist! I see we will have some fun!’ Saya Winklebert.

Mako walks up to wet guard number 1, places his hand on the mans shoulder and says ‘Hey, do you hear that? It sounds like it’s thundering outside.’ Then he casts thunderclap. The guard is hit in the chest by thunder to the sound of an ACDC song, and takes 6 damage. Guard number 2 and Sylvestre and stood within 5 feet of wet guard number 1 and Mako, so they also take 6 damage.

The thunder crashes through the bar and deafens everyone temporarily. The glass in the windows shatter and the punters sat around the room leave quickly, one of them muttering ‘it’s getting a bit weird in here, I’m outta here’

The guard who was standing at the bar, takes his sword out and attempts to attack Mako but misses.

While everyone’s attention is fixated on the fight, Kifo sneaks up behind Miko takes out his shortsword, places it closely against his neck and whispers into his ear ’I love you’.

Miko is startled and is like ‘eh?’

Kifo says ‘I mean, tell me the name of your chemist, or we take down your empire.’

Miko attempts to pull kifo off him, the blade tightens. Hi stiffens but says nothing.

Guard number 2 swings at Mako and misses.

Sylvestre takes a few steps back, pulls out his longbow, sends in monsieur hoot hoot to harass wet guard, nocks an arrow and looses the arrow. Wet guard is looking very bloody by this point.

Wet guard attempts to flee, he begins to run out the tavern door to escape the conflict. Magignis will take the opportunity and slash him as he passes with his two daggers. He deals some damage, the man slumps to the floor, he is very nearly dead and begins crawling away on his hands and knees out the tavern and down the street.

Winklebert walks over to Mako and says ‘don’t worry old chap, I’ve got you covered’ as he touches him on the shoulder, not seductively, apparently.

Kifo has a very clear visualisation, of several weeks into the future, they’re sat in a courtroom, ‘show us on the doll where he touched you’.

There are no females around so he has to creep out his own companions.

Whilst doing that, Winklebert says ‘look at this’, he aims his mini crossbow at the other guard who is stood near the bar, relatively uninjured. As he does this, Mako casts a minor illusion on the crossbow to make it look like a penis. Winklebert aims his massive penis at the guard and shoots his load all over him, but sadly misses. The guard looks repulsed by this monstrosity, but cannot take his eyes away from it.

Mako walks over to the guard who is still staring at the phallic object in Winkleberts’ hand, he’s feeling violated in strange ways. Mako says ‘man, this thunder is really getting excessive’ as he slaps his hand on the mans shoulder, casting thunderclap again. The guard and Miko both take 4 damage.

‘It’s so stormy in here!’ says Kifo.

‘Bloody hell, what is this thing?’ Asks Winklebert in outrage at his penis. ’It’s not shooting well, it’s firing blanks!’ He shoots but misses again.

Magignis follows the fleeing man outside onto the street, he casts create bonfire directly on him, he is engulfed in flames, he screams and writhes for about 5 seconds before laying still, the smell of burning flesh catches on the wind and everyone standing outside gasps in horror.

He shouts a warning to everyone ‘Miko’s empire has fallen.’

‘Also, we’re currently hiring alchemists’ Mako calls out faintly.

DM suggests that as this was supposed to downtime, we fast forward this bit, you kill everyone, perhaps let one go to spread the message to the others, and then we can get on with the actual game. They don’t want to kill Miko, so they decide to tie him up, take him back to their warehouse and keep him hostage.

They interrogate him for details about his drug cartel, his sellers, connections and alchemists, but he doesn’t crack.

(still downtime)

They put the word out to try and recruit an alchemist.

‘We have nothing to fear at this point.’ Saya Magignis.

‘Well we kinda do, I imagine his drug empire wasn’t just three bodyguards in a bar’ Says Kifo.

‘I think it was’ Mako.

Mako and Magignis take it upon themselves to use their powers of persuasion to chat to the locals, try to find anyone who might be willing to work for them to brew potions.

After your little episode, you build quite a reputation in town, a lot of people are quite afraid of you, even some of the guards want to steer clear of you. One of the alchemists who used to work for Miko, you got chatting to and she’s recently found herself out of a job. You tell her of this amazing opportunity to work for Kifo’s import export emporium, and she’s really keen.

‘Zen prepare to have part of the profit, we welcome all, we are an equal opportunities environment’ says Sylvestre. ‘We will offer you one copper piece’. She’s delighted.

She’s a tiefling named Joon. She’s quite young, but she studied alchemy in Djenkania and is really keen to crack on.

Mako plans to toy with her by casting minor illusions everywhere she looks, penises everywhere!

You have to leave her to it to do her thing, it takes a while to brew the tonic, work out the correct measurements, acquire the other ingredients and get the dosage right.

‘When she makes it, then she can test it as well’ Magignis says quietly to the others while she’s setting up her stuff.

‘But we’ve got this Miko boy’ says Mako.

‘Yeah, we’ll give it to the guy we took captive, even better’ says Kifo.

‘You know, it could make him super strong’ says Winklebert.

‘Just lob his arms off and then do it’ says Mako. ‘It’ll be much harder for him to fight back’.

‘It’ll also be much harder for him to run away without legs, let’s just make him into a nugget shall we?’ says Winklebert sarcastically.

‘Then give him jzu jzu’ says Kifo. ‘That’ll be one crazy, tied up nugget!’

Magignis doesn’t see anything wrong with that.

‘So evil’ says Kifo

‘I’m chaotic’ Magignis

‘That’s not chaotic. Making a nugget out of a man for a laugh.’ Kifo

‘It’s not a laugh, it’s minimising the risk’ Magignis.

‘And the lolz’ says Mako.

After about a week after your arrival in Osthafer, a courier delivers a letter and a small pouch to Kifo, the pouch contains 25 silver pieces. The letter states they are your winnings for le viper winning the arene de la mort in Valoit.

Sylvestre is still wearing the amulet that he took from the temple of Sune last time. He does a religion check on it. He thinks that in order to unlock the power of the amulet, he needs to find someone who worships the goddess Sune, and is completely devoted to her. He thinks there might be some kind of ritual involved in the temple to unlock the power too. For the time being, Sylvestre is enjoying it as a nice piece of fancy jewellery. He also thinks it could be worth a lot of gold.

Back to the top

Chapter Two – A Holy Quest

Death of the Archbishop

You’ve been in the city for about two weeks. In this time, you’ve become acquainted with the locals, the guards, the shopkeepers, and of course the innkeepers and bar maidens.

When you arrived in Osthafer a couple of weeks ago, it was in the dead of night, there was only darkness and silence, you could not fully absorb the culture and beauty of the city. However, in the daylight, the city is brought to life with colour and music. The stone walls are artistically painted with beautiful, intricate designs. Every building is adorned with precious minerals in a variety of colours that glint in the light. You can find a bard on most street corners singing their tales and playing the flute, drum or lute, the tune weaving through the streets. The smells of food, spices and perfume floating on the air. Wherever you turn, there is a plethora of psychedelic images, smells and sounds to delight your senses.

‘Kharthozade, kharthozade, get your kharthozade, buy one, get one full price’ you hear a merchant cry.

However, a tragedy has befallen Mittelland just two days prior, the holy archbishop Barthus the Second sadly passed away in his sleep, at just 109 years old. The whole city is now in mourning. Most people you see on the streets are wearing black, some donned completely in black, some only wearing a black hat or veil as a way of showing their respect.

‘We should set up a benevolent fund’ suggests Magignis.

‘All proceeds will go towards the great archbishops funeral, minus the deductibles’ says Sylevestre.

‘Of our back pockets’ Winklebert.

It’s been the gossip of the town that there’s going to be some kind of public announcement in the city centre today, could it be the monastery is ready to reveal the next archbishop, highly unusual as the funeral has yet to take place. Too curious to stay away, you all head out towards the centre of Mittelland, following along with the crowds of people.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, take your bets for the next archbishop’ Shouts Sylvestre. ‘will it be the bishop Magnolius? Place your bets now. 10 to 1.’ No one places any bets because they’re all sad and in mourning.

It doesn’t take you long to reach the monastery in the city centre, it is a large open space, with a huge waterfall in the middle, normally there are children playing and laughing in there, but today there is no joy or happiness, everyone has their heads bowed solemnly, but there is a sense of nervous energy and curiosity amongst the crowd.

You’re quite far back in the crowd, behind the waterfall and directly ahead of you is the monastery.

Mako casts a minor illusion on the water fountain to look like there are little fishes swimming and jumping up and dancing. Magignis wants them to wait until they announce the new archbishop, and then Mako casts an illusion to make the water freeze in mid air, then it will turn red and look like blood pouring out. Everyone will gasp and they’ll think it’s a sign, a bad omen. Sylvestre wants them to try to infiltrate the monastery by manipulating the new archbishop and imposing their own rules. Then maybe they could kill him off and elect their own archbishop, and Lord Winklebert would be perfect for the job.

After a short while, a woman steps out onto the large balcony, she;s dressed in a plain white dress with a hood.

‘I say, as my first act of archbishop, I will outlaw all sexual harassment claims!’ Says Winklebert proudly. He gets nugded by one of the gang and shushed.

She lowers he hood and addresses the crowd.

‘Is it inappropriate to wolf whistle?’ – Mat

‘Yeah, she’s fat’ says Jonny.

She says ‘As you are aware, our holy archbishop Barthus the Second has passed away two days ago.’

They all boo loudly.

‘I am so sad’ says Sylvestre.

‘I don’t know what you do to make yourself sad loud?’ says Magignis.

They begin sobbing hysterically.

Dm says ‘I was at the panto last night, and they’d go like ‘awwwwwwwww’’

The group begin to simultaneously boo, sob and ‘awwwwww’ loudly across the city square.

They visualise the scene:

            He’s passed away!

            Oh no he didn’t!


            He’s behind you!

            **Everyone cheers!**

The lady continues, trying to be heard over the crowd.

‘I have been honoured to have lived and worked alongside him for most of my life.
While on his deathbed, his health faltering, his heart slowing, it was his final wish that he receive the blessing of the five major deities in his pantheon, before being laid to rest. He sadly did not accomplish this in his life; only managing to receive the blessing of four. He sadly never received the blessing of Tymora, our lady luck.

I am sure that all those who loved him as I did, would like to see his final wish granted. This is why I implore to you, the people of Osthafer, to take one of his holy stoles, take it to the temple of Tymora and receive her blessing. When you return here, by placing the blessed stole on his bosom , the blessing will also pass to him and his wish will be fulfilled.’

Of course, this must be done before his funeral, which will take place in five days time. Whoever returns within five days with Tymora’s holy blessing, will receive a reward of gold, and the honorary, prestigious title ‘holy protector of Osthafer’.

For those that are willing to undertake this holy quest, please find me in the small prayer room on the Monestery, and now I hope you will join me in a prayer to our deities to guide us in our dark times.’

She continues her speech by reciting all the prayers to the deities, the major and minor ones.

‘You can call me on 0-800- BISHOP’ says Winklebert.

When she is finished praying, she turns around and walks back into the monastery. The crowds begin to disperse, some go into the monastery, some begin chatting excitedly.

‘I think the new bishop does require a holy protector, and I think it’s only right that we are trusted with that. ‘Sylvester says.

‘They’d let us get away with a lot if we were the holy protectors’ says Mako.

‘Exactly!’ says Sylvestre. ‘In fact, we could bring in holy jzu jzu!’

‘Oooooh, holy jzu jzu’ says Kifo in a hushed whisper.

They like that plan.

‘I reckon we should go to the small prayer room and have a chat’ says Kifo.

‘I say, there is a fair maiden in need our assistance!’ says Winklebert.

‘and Tymora is my chosen god’ says Kifo.

‘Presumably, posho thinks this is a great idea, because we’d actually be doing something good, for a change’ says Magignis. ‘so we’re all game for this?’

‘We are all agreed’ Says Sylvestre.

‘Lets actually do a quest that’s been set out for us!’ Kifo.

‘What’s that? We’re not going to have a fight in the bar?’ Sylvestre.

‘That’s it, I’m going to set fire to the small prayer room’ Kifo.

‘It is a sign of the end of times!’ Shrieks Sylvestre mockingly.

They all head inside the monastery, they immediately burst into flames.

Ok, not really.

Inside, the building is a very large hall with high arched windows, made of stained glass. The general interior design is quite bland compared to the rest of the city, it’s made mainly of unadorned stone, the coloured glass windows are the only source of colour inside. You think that each window depicts the sigil of each deity.

You notice Tymora, depicted as a golden woman with a purple backdrop.

Kifo doffs his cap to her as he passes. You think you notice the light shining from her glints slightly as if showing her approval.

You also notice the window of Kossuth, which is just red flames with a black silhouette in the centre, like a blackened corpse.

Mako looks out for Umberlee, and finds her on the end, she might be considered similar to Poseidon in another realm, the image is of a woman with waves crashing over her.

‘Can she see my staff?’ Mako says, holding it in the light. He’s quite impressed with it. ‘It has tentacles you know.’ He says to his friends, winking.

‘That’s troubling’ says Magignis.

They continue on their journey, the hall is filled with people, but Sylevstre finds the woman right at the other end of the room, talking to a few other people. They approach, and Magignis casts a minor illusion to make the people she’s speaking to make them think they’re shit themselves. He thinks on it for a moment and then decides that a better idea would be to make a massive 5 foot spider drop down in front of them. They’re startled, and mumble ‘oh, spider there’ pointing at it. They continue talking to the high priestess, but then shake hands, turn around and leave, making sure to go around the massive spider. Then she goes in her little room.

Kifo says a little prayer under his breath for her luck that they can get into the queue next.

‘Excusez-moi, excusez-moi, excusez-moi, s'il vous plait, excusez-moi!’ Sylvestre says loudly as he barges his way through he crowd to reach the high priestess. ‘Ah bonjour!’

Sylvestre knocks on the door, ‘Madamme, s'il vous plait!’

She stands and says to him ‘God bless you sir!’

‘Ah, which one?’

‘All of you’


‘How can I help you?

‘Ah Madamme, we have heard of the tragic passing of our great and holy archbishop- *incoherent grumble*‘

‘so so sad’ She looks quite tearful and lets out a small sob.

‘Our sorrows cannot be contained, yet we try desperately to hold ourselves together, in the loss of this great, great man. However, we believe that we have the skills and the capabilities to enact his final wish.’ She doesn’t look convinced.

Kifo says a small prayer to Tymora and requests she grant them advantage on Sylvestre’s persuasion technique, as he seems to be struggling.

Winklebert casts guidance. He steps forward to Sylvestre, pats him on the back and says quietly to him ‘Don’t worry there, Silvo, I’ve got your back!’

She seems unsure, she says ‘I mean, I’m going to have to give you one of his precious scarves, I don’t have many you see. I can’t give them away to everybody you know’ She eyes them up and down, trying to ascertain if their motives are genuine.

‘I fully understand madam, zat is why we intend to do it as a group’ says Silvestre. ‘Zat way, there is only one stole, divided amongst five, thus making it easier for yourself for your stole divisionment.’

‘How can I trust you?’ She asks.

‘Madam!’ says Sylvestre. ‘You will find we are a reputable sort, in fact, my friend here’ he gestures to Winklebert. ‘He is a wonderful individual, you may have heard of him on your travels?’

She seems unimpressed.

‘Although that is beside the point, I realize that is not what you are looking for. I merely ask that you put your faith in the gods, zat they will send us, the five. Perhaps it is ze prophecy, the archbishop followed five gods did he not, and so five were sent to enact his final wish. Zat is devine guidance is it not?’

‘Oiu, it is’ He says, answering his own question.

 ‘You seem awfully sure of yourself’

‘Ah madam, we have seen many things, and experienced the blessings of many gods.’

‘Such as?’

‘Well, ze lady Sune’

‘Oh, you’ve been to the temple Sune?’


She waits to hear more.

‘In fact, I think you will find, here is ze amulet of the goddess herself!’

He shows her the ruby amulet around his neck *shing* the gold glints in the light, then quickly places it back under his tunic.

She gasps in awe and shock.

‘Well, you definitely know your way around a holy temple!’

Winklebert thinks to himself, he’d like to find his way around her holy temple, but he keeps his jokes to himself, choosing instead to grin delightedly and raise his eyebrows up and down.

‘Yes, yes, you seem like able-bodied adventurers, I think you will do well, yes, of course’ She’s frowning and sounds like she’s trying to convince herself. She retrieves a beautiful, crushed velvet, purple scarf, embroiled with gold thread in an intricate design and passes it to Sylvestre very slowly and hesitantly.

‘Please, I hope you will be very careful with it, it is very precious to me’

‘Of course’ He snaps his fingers ‘Monsiour Kifo!’ He points and gestures for Kifo to take the stole.

‘Well then, good luck on your adventures sirs’ She says. ‘The temple of Tymora is…’ She seems to choose her words wisely ‘a, strange place. I’ve heard the realm changes each time someone goes to it. Well er, you’ll see for yourself I suppose’

After a short pause and waiting for them to leave she asks ‘Do you know where you’re going?’

‘Absolutely madam, we are well acquainted with ze city’ says Sylvestre.

‘It’s not in the city’ she says

‘Well, zat is what I was going to say next, we are well acquainted with ze city, but not so well acquainted with outside ze city.’ He says.

‘I’ll mark it on a map for you.’ She scribble an x on their map which is situated a short distance north of the city of Osthafer. She says’ yes, you just follow the main road north, you will find a tavern and a town, just take a right, head east a short distance, and you will find it near the coast. You can’t miss it.’

‘Ah and what is the name of the tavern?

‘Ah, well it’s called the nags……’

… hook’ she says.

‘Ah the nags hook, what a wonderful name for a tavern’ says Sylvestre.

She nods, ‘there’s a lot of hooks around these places’ she says nodding, and slowly ushering them out the door.

‘Ah, my fellow gentlemen, shall we head out to the temple of the Tymora!’ Says Sylvestre.

‘Yeah, I’d quite like to, I’ve been there I think’ Says Kifo. ‘I worship Tymora, not sure if it was a shrine I went to though’ he says thoughtfully.

‘Zen lead ze way, lead ze way!’ Says Sylvestre jovially, booting hi out the door.

They step out of her prayer room respectfully, bowing as they leave, and closing the door behind them. Once out, Sylvestre says ‘Gentlemen, I zink she bought it’

Magignis says ‘cheese it!’ they leave the monastery.

‘Ok, cool, so how far is that?’ Asks Magignis, examining the map.

‘I dunno, but we haven’t stole anything in a while’ Says Kifo.

‘Yeah, I could do with a horse, but I don’t wanna buy one’ says Magignis.

‘No, we have a horse’ says Winklebert. He fills Magignis in about the events of last time, where they acquired a wagon and horses.

They decide that it won’t take too long to get there, it’s probably less than 15 miles, at a guess.

They notice how close to the coast it appears to be. ‘Hmm, shame we don’t have a boat’ says Magignis.

Then Mako remembers he has a boat. ‘I have a boat’.

Back to the top

Chapter Three – Deadly threat by air mail

As they’re stood quite close to the monastery, near one of the shops, chatting about the boat, Kifo and Mako  are positioned facing away from the building, Kifo, with his incredible perception (17) notices a very tiny fast-moving object in his peripheral vision, approaching them. He ducks and rolls away with lightning speed, and narrowly avoids an arrow that lands in the wooden beam behind them with a loud thud. It embeds in the wood, and vibrates as it steadies. There is a note attached to the shaft.

Kifo rushes to the arrow and unties the parchment excitedly says ‘oooooh a note!’

He reads it aloud:

You have eluded me for long enough.

You are in the possession of something that belongs to me.

You have until midnight to return the relic, after which time, I will come to collect.


‘Let’s fire the arrow back’ Says Mako. They all look at each other.

‘I mean, you’ve had worse ideas’ says Kifo.

They’re not sure who s is, then Kifo has a brainwave. ‘No I know who it is’ He fills in Magignis and Mako of the last times events. ‘When we were in the last town, we were set on a quest to go to the temple of Sune. That’s what you’ve got there isn’t it?’ He asks Silvi, gesturing to his chest.


‘And we were told that we needed to return it immediately upon retrieving it, otherwise bad things would happen basically. We signed a contract as well.’

‘Oh yeah, we did that, although we made sure that the agency was solely accountable’ Assures Winklebert.

‘Anyway, so that was a bloke called Sven, so I imagine that this S is a very angry Sven.’ Says Kifo.

Kifo does a memory check to confirm this (gets 4) and suddenly has no idea who this S could be.

Sylvestre also tried to remember, and he is certain that the handwriting is Sven’s.

‘Ah yes, the handwriting! That is what I remember so clearly’ says Sylvi. ‘Not the person whom we met and were given the quest from, but the handwriting!’

He sniffs the paper ‘Ah the parchment, yes, it has the characteristic odour of a bookshop. I remember it so well!’ He says, scrutinising the note. ‘Ze ink! it is specific of Valoit!’

‘Ze arrow, ah look, ze make of zis arrow could only have come from a place in the middle region of Vasselhaim. Ah yes, the fletching! Look here, this fletching, the feathers of the bird is in fact native to a specific district in the centre of Valoit, where our friend doth dwell.’

Magignis looks at the map, and finds Valoit in Vasselheim, ‘is this Valoit, because it looks like a long way to fire this back, I don’t know…’

Kifo says ‘should we say no, or arrange to meet him somewhere?’

‘Just write no’ Says Mako.

‘Just ignore it, it’ll go away’ says Winklebert.

‘Where should we meet him?’ Says Kifo, getting out his quill and inkwell.

‘Why don’t we reply ‘sorry Stan…’’ Says Magignis. ‘Or just ‘who dis?’’

Write ‘We’ll meet you out on the water.’ Says Sylvestre.

‘Wait, what’s Sven like?’ Magignis.

‘Dick’ Silvi.

‘Is he tough? Is he like, a bard, or?’

Kifo checks what time of the day it is (noon), and asks ‘shall we do this before doing the proper quest?’ He also notices that is also a very beautiful day, very sunny and hot.

‘That’s just me’ says Sylvestre.

‘I’m very wet’ says Mako

‘Oooh, I’ve got an idea! Instead of firing the arrow at a random person, we just walk over and stab them with it.’ Magignis

‘Just bury it in the skull of someone we don’t like’ Kifo

‘Yes.’ Gig

‘Well the arrow came from up there’ Kifo says pointing in a south western direction and quite high up. ‘So we can just fire it back over there’

‘Can you see anyone up there?’ Asks Magignis, squinting in that direction.

‘No, it’s the sky mate’ Kifo.

Kifo only saw it briefly, but from what he can remember, the arrow come at them from the direction of the monastery. It is possible that the archer could have been stood on the roof on the monastery. But there is no one to be seen up there now.

Sylvestre (being the best archer in the group, although he is technically a fighter) aims to fire the arrow in that general direction. He lines up his nocked arrow perfectly with Kifo outstretched arm and lets loose. It reaches its destination, and appears to land on top of the monastery.

‘Exactly as planned’ Says Sylvestre, looking quite pleased with himself.

Kifo says ‘now we run!’

Magignis wants to know more about Sven, the gang fill him in: he seemed quite intelligent, stuck up, almost self-righteous, you think he may have been working for another person to acquire these relics. You’re not sure if he is magical, or a particularly good fighter, as you only met him once.

‘What exactly did you write in ze letter Kifo, I never actually read it? Asks Sylvestre.

‘Oh, I think I wrote ‘meet us at 2pm out on the water by the wharf’ –K’

‘Are we laying a trap?’ Gig

‘Oui, we will in fact spike the boat, by having someone under ze ship and pierce a tiny hole.’ Silvi.

‘and then it will sink, in no more than 1 to 2 hours!’ Kifo.

‘By which point, the authorities will arrive and zey will have to swim the short distance back to shore.’ Silvi.

‘and I will buy myself another boat’ –Mako.

They debate heading back to the warehouse near where they keep their boat on the harbour.

‘No! We are being spied upon by ze enemy, we will head straight to ze wharf’ says silvi.

As you’re walking in the direction of the wharf, you notice there are a large number of casinos in this part of the city. Some people are playing card games on the street on upside down boxes, others are finely dressed trying to usher guests inside their building, you catch a glimpse inside one of them, there is a very shiny roulette wheel and music playing.

‘I’d like to have a go at the casino’ says Magignis, the only thing he can’t resist is temptation.

‘I say, a man of my calibre is not persuaded by vices of gambling!’ Says Winklebert proudly.

They play a few games at the casino: Avandra’s favour and the Gambit of Ord.

At the end of the games, Winklebert is in profit. Kifo buys Winklebert a celebratory drink. As it’s quite a swanky place, the drinks aren’t cheap. The bartender charges 9 silver pieces for a fancy cocktail.

They all get up to leave, Magignis tells the gang he’d like to go to a shop. There’s a general store a couple for streets over. He purchases some paraffin, rags, glass vials, nails, rope and sharp pieces of metal. He plans to build some kind of bomb or trap as and when he needs it. He can set it alight and throw it at his enemies. The shopkeeper charges 60 silver pieces for the lot.

Meanwhile, the rest are planning what they want to do when they meet Sven in the wharf.

‘So once they dive in the water, how are we keeping them in there?’ Asks Sylvestre.

‘Well their boats on fire’ Magignis

‘’We can’t have it too far from the water’ Kifo.

‘They could just swim to shore’ Sylvestre.

‘You’ve got a bow and arrow, you could be stood there firing at them’  Kifo says to Silvi.

‘Well, why don’t we make an illusion of there being a shark in the water?’ Magignis

‘Yeah, that’s good.’ Mako.

‘Although, then they have to come on our boat’ Magignis.

‘Has anyone got a spare bow and arrow?’ Asks Kifo

‘Spare?’ Magignis.

‘Yeah, I’ve got one dexterity. Yeah, ok I could buy one.’ Says Kifo.

‘But there’s no reason why you can’t cast a spell to make it look like there’s sharks in the water or something’ says Magignis to Mako.

‘Yeah’ Mako.

‘Or Mako, when you’re under water, cast thunderclap’ Says Sylvestre.

‘Electrocute them’ Winklebert.

‘And I have two spears’ Says Mako.

‘Do we really need to nail bomb their boat, or can I just set fire to it?’ Magignis.

‘Just set fire to it’ Silvi.

‘I can still make these nail bombs though’

Oh, absolutely, just wait until they’re off the ship’ Silvi.

‘Have we become the IRA?’ Silvi.

‘Yeah, we’re basically terrorists’ Magignis.

‘Hang about, do we really want to set fire to the ship, we could loot it’ Magignis.

‘I’d rather keep the ship’ Says Mako.

I’m still on board about blowing it up, but we need to get the stuff off the ship first. Because they’re coming to get stuff off us, they’re gonna come armed.’ Magignis.

‘so we need to get them off the ship’ Silvi.

‘Doesn’t the illusion fade when they touch it?’ Winklebert.

‘Not being funny, but as soon as they see the ship on fire, they’re not gonna touch it.’ Silvi.

‘We probably ought to talk to them first, see what they’ve got to say, but not initiate combat’ Magignis.

Kifo goes in the shop down the street for archery supplies.

While they’re walking down the street, conversation turns to them making their own hotline, Mako is wet n wild, Magignis’ loins are always burning.

They reach the archery shop. The short bow costs 25 gold pieces. A set of arrows costs one gold piece and you get 20 arrows in a set.

‘Would you consider doing me a ‘get a set of arrows for free’ type deal?’

The man says if you buy a new bow, they’ll chuck in a dozen arrows for free, if you ask very nicely.

‘If you round that up to 20 arrows, and I’ll pay 17 gold pieces for the bow?’ Asks Kifo. ‘I’ll purr at you.’

‘I’ll let you scratch me behind my ears’ Kifo says, purring loudly.

The shopkeeper shakes his head slowly, ‘I’m afraid that’s not enough gold laddie’

(Persuasion check CRIT FAIL)

Kifo coughs up a fur ball, and vomits all over the shop floor. The shopkeeper is very unimpressed and wants 30 gold pieces for the bow now.

It was at that point that Kifo realised that having paws for hands was not suited to handing a bow.

Instead he takes a look at the crossbows. He finds one he likes, a light crossbow that includes a dozen bolts. ‘So would you give me that for 17 gold pieces’

The shop keeper gives him a disgusted look, as he’s mopping the vomit off the floor ‘The price is 25’ he says through gritted teeth.

‘But I have no more money, I can’t offer you any more. There is no sale! No sale!’ He shouts, as he storms off. ‘If you won’t take my money, I’ll take it elsewhere!’

What if I wave my staff at him? – Dan

In an aggressive manner? –DM

In a …. Sexual manner – Dan

The one with tentacles on it? – DM

Ooooohh Yer – Dan

I’m imagining it all wet and floppy like a mop…. DM

It doesn’t work…

Kifo walks out of the shop.

Winklebert is looking at the maces and bows. The hand crossbow is 75 gold. He’s thinking about duel wielding two, but sticks with his single crossbow for the time being.

Outside the shop, Kifo and Magignis are chatting.

‘I’ll let you borrow my crossbow for a 17 gold piece deposit’ says Magignis to Kifo. ‘You’ll get it back in full’

‘Irrelevant to what happens to the crossbow?  Even if I’m only able to return the crossbow in parts? Asks Kifo.

‘Yeah it’s part for part isn’t it?’ Wlnklebert.

‘No’ Gig

I’ll trade you my crossbow for your sword’ Says Magignis to Kifo. ‘In the short term.’

‘That’s interesting, yeah alright, I’ll do that.’ Kifo.

‘Can I borrow your short sword?’ Asks Mako to Magignis. ‘For my underwater adventures?’

‘Yeah, well I can’t actually use a sword, I don’t have the ability, I can use daggers, dart, slings, and a light crossbow.’ Magignis

‘Basically, because he’s a sorcerer, he has INFINITE COSMIC POWER!’ Silvi.

‘But very little, material power….’ Kifo.

‘No material power, whatsoever,’ Silvi.

‘Wait’ Sylvestre says ‘How much are healing potions?’

‘I’m a walking talking healer.’ Winklebert says.

‘Are you?’ Magignis.

‘Yeah’ Winklebert

‘He’s a cleric…. Apparently’ Silvi.

‘I did not know that’ Magignis.

‘Well when have you guys ever needed it?’ Winklebert, ‘I’ve been giving you pats on the back all this time’

‘I just thought you were aroused’ Mako.

The shopkeeper tells them a healing potion is 50 gold pieces.

‘Fuck that’ Says Sylvestre as he walks out the shop.

‘Or, I can channel divinity, and heal up to 0 hp divided amongst creatures within 30 feet, or I can as one of my spells –‘ Winklebert

‘to be honest, I can produce second wind, so I don’t have to worry’ Says Sylvestre.

‘ - I can heal 1 D4, according to my spellcasting modifier, which is 4’ Winklebert. ‘…and, I can also give you 2 to your armour class’ Winklebert.

They begin their journey to the wharf.

‘what’s the plan guys?’ Kifo.

‘I think the plan is to wing it’ Magignis.

‘Post forth!’ Winklebert

‘We shall send these three wonderful gentlemen, out on to ze wharf!’ Silvi.

‘We not going there with the amulet, just to be clear?’ Magignis.

‘Correct’ Silvi.

‘Yeah, me and Silvi are staying on the shore.’ Kifo.

‘We shall watch zem go out on to the sea’ Silvi.

‘So, Mr healer, Mako man and myself are all going on the ship.’ Magignis.

‘Oui, whereas Kifo and myself shall stay on the shore, watching from afar.’ Silvi.

By this point, it’s getting close to two in the afternoon.

Mako, Winklebert and Magignis sail out on Mako’s boat.

Sylvestre hides behind a barrel.

Kifo does a perception check of the surrounding wharf area. He notices there are plenty of people around, most of them going about their business, some fishing, there is no one looking suspicious, apart from a man hiding behind a barrel.

It is at this point that Kifo and Magignis realise that Mako’s boat is a simple rowing boat.

Mako does a perception check of the surrounding area, as he’s familiar with the normal ships and goings on in the harbour, as he rows in and out on a regular basis, he fails miserably to notice anything of note, he finds it’s really difficult to see past this annoying thing that keeps flapping in front of him. He realises that this is in fact the sail.

‘That’s amazing, I thought this was a row boat!’ Mako.

They don’t notice anything to be suspicious of.

‘Ok, well we’ll just wait then.’ Says Magignis, as he takes his shoes off and dangles his feet in the water for a while.

‘I’m starting to think that maybe this arrow plan wasn’t the best idea we had, we didn’t send it to an actual person, we’re basing this whole plan on the fact that we fired an arrow roughly from the direction it came from’ Says Kifo to Sylvestre.

‘Roughly in the direction where a man almost killed you’ Shouts Magignis from the boat about 80 feet away. ‘As if he’s going to meet us and be very fair about the whole thing’

‘I hope so!’ Kifo yells back.

‘To be fair, he doesn’t even know you two are, he only met us three’ Says Winklebert to Magignis and Mako.

‘Yeah, we’re just hired goons’ Magignis.

‘I’m just fishing’ Says Mako.

‘I’m sunbathing’ Says Magignis. But he is intrigued and so has a go at catching some fish. He fails and actually loses his fishing rod ‘awwww no’

A short while later, the guys are still waiting but no one shows up.

‘Hold on a second. We should probably go back to oru warehouse, fairly sharp-ish’ Says Magignis, as he has a brainwave.

‘Don’t worry, we left some people at the warehouse’ Sylvestre yells back to Magignis, from his position on the harbour. ‘At least I think I told Cyril and Verdune to stay at the warehouse’ he thinks to himself.

‘Yeah, maybe they are at the warehouse, all dead’ says Kifo.

‘Let’s high tail it back to the warehouse’ says Magignis, as they begin frantically rowing their boat back to the harbour.

‘Well, do you want to wait on the water and we can go have a look? I mean, we’re not far from the warehouse.’ Yells Kifo.

‘Ok sure, we’ll stay where we are’ Shouts Magignis.

Kifo and Sylvestre heads back to the warehouse, the venture within, and nothing seems to have changed that they can tell. ‘Hellllooooo?’ Shouts Sylvestre, his voice echoes. ‘Bonjoirrrrrrrrr?’

They go in the back room and find nugg man is still tied up in his chair and Joon is making jzu jze in the other room. ‘Alright Joon?’ Asks Kifo, ‘How’s that jzu jzu coming along?’

She’s surprised to see them ‘Yea, it’s good, good good good good. Wanna try some?’ She hiccups and sways slightly.

‘Er, no thank you’

‘It’s been pretty quiet in here’ she says, then gets back to her alchemical practices.

‘ok, catch you later joony!’

They wander over to nugg man, he is just a stump of a man.

‘Ey, Milo, you seen anything mate?’ Kifo yells in nugg mans face. ‘Ey, Milo, MiLOOOOOO’

He groans in pain and his head flops around, his eyes closed.

‘Ey, Joon, give him a bit of jzu jzu’

They’re just checking that they cauterized the wounds.

‘Test the batch Joon, give him a bit of the good stuff, we’ll see what it’s like’ Kifo says, while trying to slap the man awake.

They give him a bit of the potion, and it can affect people in different ways, in this case the potion heals all diseases and illnesses. Unfortunately, this does not mean he can regenerate his limbs back, but he feels much better (considering his circumstances). They’re unaware whether this whole batch has the same affect, or if each dose had a unique affect, so they give him a bit more.

‘Give him a bit more! We’ll see what happens Joon’ Says Kifo encouraging.

Joon says ‘This is all a part of the testing process to really fine tune the mixture to truly know what the effects will be’

The next doe causes nugg man to become poisoned and very weak.

Ah, well for a few precious moments nugg man was feeling slightly better, but not anymore.

‘Hmmm, I think I need to work on it a bit more, it just needs a bit of tweaking, just a tiny bit, I think I know what’s gone wrong’ She says and she scuttles into her alchemy room muttering to herself around ingredient quantities.

‘no worries, thanks Joon’ Says Kifo.

‘You hang in there mate’ says Kifo, patting nug man on the shoulder.

‘Ah, he must have thought something was a foot’ says Sylvestre grinning, wondering if the body parts were around here somewhere he could use as comedic props.

Magignis, Mako and Winklebert are still on the boat and they’re thinking it’s very strange that no one’s turned up.

‘It’s very strange that no one turned up. Why would they send us an arrow and not want to meet us?’ Says Magignis.

Perhaps the note on the arrow was merely a warning as opposed to an invitation.

‘Meh, shall we cheese it?’ Asks Magignis.

They all meet up again at the warehouse. ‘How do we want to get the Tymora’s temple, by road or by boat?’ They discuss.

‘Hmm, well originally I thought the boat would be bigger’ Says Kifo.

‘I think I’d rather walk than row’ says Magignis.

‘Then we shall send him to ze back to kick’ Saya sylvestre.

‘I thought it’d be a little fishing boat with a sai’ Says Kifo.

Mako points at himself with both thumbs, raises his eyebrows and says ‘Hey, I’m captain’

‘I know you’re the captain, I’m just saying you gave us the impression that you had a bigger boat’ Says Kifo. ‘I’m very disappointed.

They agree they’re going to boat all the way there.

‘I shall stand at ze bow, cutting a fine figure! Says Sylvestre, puffing out his chest.

‘I’m going to sit at the furthest part away from the water as possible’ Says Kifo.

The party proceed to the boat.

Once at the boat, they all get settled inside, it’s very cosy. They muster all their strength to try and row the boat, (they are reminded how they struggled to open a crate with a crowbar not so long ago).

Kifo, Magignis and Sylvestre are feeling particularly strong today, they must have eaten their ye old Weetabix this morning. Mako and Winklebert on the other hand, have noodle arms. DM assumes that Mako and Winklebert are not situated on the same side of the rowing boat, otherwise she can visualise them rowing in a massive circle and never actually reaching their destination. They arrange themselves in the boat so they are balanced accordingly. They set out on sail, well not sail, row. Off they go, out to sea, heading south. ‘Yeah, sails would be pretty useful right now’ Says Magignis.

‘Hey, you’ve got some cloth, you’ve got a stole, you can hold it out, I’ll grab the other end, just saying’ Says Mako, shrugging.

Mako dons his captain hat and looks out to the horizon with his telescope. Winklebert begins to sing some sea shanty’s. Kifo hisses from the spray of water in his face. Sylvestre looks suave. Magignis wants them to hurry up.

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Chapter Four – The Holy Ascent

It doesn’t take them very long to get there, with Kifo’s crit 20, he’s like a magnificent rowing machine, it’s like he’s found his purpose in life, to row this tiny boat.

It’s late into the night by the time they get there. Magignis thinks their walking in to a trap. Kifo says a quiet prayer to Tymora. Mako is so happy they’re nearly there, he joins in with the songs and conches out, everyone is very impressed and they feel inspired to walk this holy path and reach their destiny.

They get out the boat, tie it up to a nearby rock and paddle to shore. There’s a mud track they begin to walk along. After some minutes, they notice something in the distance, high up in the air. As they’ve been rowing through the night, the sun is beginning to rise, and it illuminates these strange islands in the sky. They float in the air, as if by magic, the lowest being about 50 feet above them, and the others going up much higher.

Tymoras Temple

The one directly above them is quite clear, but the ones higher up appear fuzzy, almost as if looking at them through very thick glass.

As they get closer, they notice that on land, there sits a tower. It’s made of dark stone, and looks quite narrow, maybe 6 metres across and a couple of storeys high, with a doorway, one of the doors is open.

Sylvestre wonders whether there is a panel somewhere with numbers as they enter, but there is not. On further inspection, it looks like this could have been an old watch tower. On the outside of the tower are some (what appear to be) very old symbols engraved into the stone, that have been corroded over time, but are still faintly visible.

Kifo says a quick prayer and thanks to Tymora for letting them get this far.

Mako examines the symbols on the outside of the building, frowning and scratching his chin. He can safely assume that they are definitely engravings, they could even be the normal alphabet, he’s not quite sure.

‘I’ve got three different languages’ Says Mako, trying really hard to distinguish any of the symbols.

‘You’re also, dumb as a rock’ Says Magignis.

‘You also can’t see for shit’ Says Winklebert.

Winklebert also does a quick peruse of these strange symbols, and he vaguely recognises them, he’s seen similar markings in a book he read, and he knows that this is an ancient alphabet which has never been successfully deciphered. These particular runes are found everywhere around the continent of Khartheon, from Tallis to shaelyre, on all manner of ancient ruins.

They enter the tower, inside, it is a circular room. There’s a staircase built into the stone going round in an anti-clockwise direction Magignis searches inside the watch tower for any loot, he finds some broken furniture.

Winklebert says ‘Aren’t we meant to be finding a statue, or some kind of temple. This place doesn’t look like a temple.’

Magignis and Mako walk up the stairs, as they ascend, there are holes in the exterior wall, which they imagine is where arrows or crossbow bolts could be shot from; when they reach the top, they see a statue. The statue is of a woman, carved into the stone itself. She is depicted in the usual posture that Tymora is depicted as, wearing a crown and sitting on a throne with her hands cupped on her lap. In front of her there is a stone bench. They think that this is a place where patrons can kneel or sit and say a prayer to her. This doesn’t look like a temple, this looks more like a shrine to her.

Kifo kneels down in front of the statue and says a little prayer. He then leaves 5 silver pieces in her cupped hands. As he sits there, saying his prayer, he hears a woman’s voice in his head ‘a copper to the lady returns tenfold in gold’ He recognises this phrase is her mantra. Magignis immediately steals the silver pieces in the statues hands.

‘I’m literally still sitting here’ Says Kifo outraged. ‘Put that back! He demands.

Magignis shrugs.

As Kifo is sat there, he feels a warmth come over him, and his coin purse gets heavier by one gold piece.

‘I was told I would get more than one gold, I believe I am due 500 copper.’ He says. The statue of Tymora’s face looks disapproving, as if he should be more grateful for what he’s got.

‘Yeah, you should shut up!’ Says Magignis.

‘I think you’ll find the gods are shit at maths’ Says Winklebert.

Kifo also gains inspiration.

‘Thank you Tymora’ Kifo says as he rises, feeling inspired.

Magignis is putting away his stolen silver pieces in his coin purse and a coldness comes over him, making him shiver.

‘And your coin purse feels lighter’ Says Sylvestre.

‘Wrong! It feels heavier, by five silver pieces!’ Magignis says with delight.

‘You should put them back in the statue’s hand and repeat the process to get more coin!’ Suggests Winklebert.

The statue of Tymora is the only interesting thing on this floor, however, there is also an opening in the tower wall, which steps out onto a balcony of sorts. Ahead of the party is the earth mote, floating in mid air.

The earth mote is situated roughly 8 to 10 feet away from the ledge. They discuss their options, they could potentially run and jump the distance.

Kifo uses his feline agility (which gives him double movement) to run and jump the gap. He combines the jump with a flip and, because he is so light, he just manages to reach the edge, but has to claw at the earth to pull himself on.

Magignis, Sylvestre and Mako immediately follow suit and charge for the edge and leap forward. It looks promising as they fly through the air, but they drop too soon and all three of them fall to the ground, yelling in disbelief, Mako casts thunderclap for no reason. As they fall, their movement slows, as if they’re falling through treacle, it seems as though the magic that’s holding the earth mote up is thickening the air and they fall at half speed. They all take some damage as they hit the ground, 4 damage each.

Winklebert refuses to jump across, instead he’s looking for a smarter option. While scratching his chin, he does a perception check of the area. He doesn’t really notice anything helpful.

Kifo retrieves a rope from his dungeoneering pack and looks around for something to tie the rope to, he’s hoping for a large rock or tree nearby, but he can’t see anything to tie it to.

Magignis, Sylvestre and Mako stand up, dust themselves off and begin to climb the tower steps again. As they reach Winklebert, Mako says ‘Can you heal me?’

He is ignored.

When they reach the top, they all try another perception check, they’re all rubbish, they look around, up in the sky, under their feet, but they notice nothing to help them. Magignis has more luck. He squints and can see in the distance the glint of metal on the earth mote. It appears to be a hook embedded in the ground, and another a couple of feet apart. Then he cranes his neck over the edge of the tower balcony and can see two identical hooks jutting out. There is also some scraps of rope tied to one. Perhaps it is the remains of a very old rope bridge that was one here.

‘Can you heal me, so I can jump again? Asks Mako to Winklebert.

‘I can only do one heal per encounter’ He says.

‘That’s fair’

‘So this is kind of classed as an encounter’

‘Yeah, just heal me’ Says Mako.

Sylvestre runs and jumps again. He stumbles and falls, the last thing he hears before hitting the ground is Magignis going ‘Retaarrrddddddddd’. Sylvestre takes 2 damage ‘Merde’.

Magignis takes his rope from his backpack, loops it through one of the metal hooks on his side and throws the other end to Kifo so he can tie it round his loops, then send it back over, so they have two lines of rope pulled tight. Magignis is thinking about what else they can do, he wants to do something clever.

‘Like run and jump?’ Asks Sylvestre, slightly out of breath, who has just joined them again.

They’re debating shimmying across by balancing their weight on each rope.

Magignis tries that, by sort of crawling across on all fours. He’s not strong enough to hold on and slips. He’s on half his health and is genuinely worried he might die at this point. He manages to do a dexterity saving throw and successfully catches himself with his free hand on the rope. He swings around and builds up so much momentum that he manages to release, fly through the air, and land right next to Kifo. No one can quite understand how that was even possible, but he is safely across.

Kifo is impressed, he’s just like ‘fair play’

‘He thought he was falling, in fact he was falling in style’ says Sylvestre.

Winklebert is watching all these buffoons running around like idiots, he is reminded of a place called ye old playzone where people would run up the stairs to go down the drop slide then run up again and repeat the process. He is thinking how best to proceed.

Mako runs and jumps. He just makes it, but he is scrambling to try and stay on, clawing for something to hang on to. Kifo and Magignis are stood watching and can help him if they want to.

‘No’ – Magignis.

‘Long live the king’ Says Sylvestre mockingly.

Mako manages to pull himself up.

Sylvestre crawls himself along the rope like a graceful worm and eventually makes it to the end.

It’s only Winklebert who is left on the tower.

‘Can you get the rope back please? Asks Magignis to Winklebert.

Mako wants to cast a minor illusion of a bridge.

Winklebert does what you’re supposed to do when traversing a rope (apparently), and that is to sort of grab on, swing underneath and do a sloth crawl, shimmying along it.

Magignis immediately sets fire to the rope. They all laugh.

‘I say you infernal bastard’ Yells Winkebert and he drops.

Ravo arrives. Couple of interesting quotes to mention:

‘I’d say my character is a lonely character’ – Ravo
‘It’s ok, everyone loves themselves occasionally’ – Jake

‘I’m a water person so I’m naturally a bed wetter. It’d be unusual if I didn’t wet the bed. Or maybe I create an environment of dry.’ - Ravo

‘You’re a water person! Oh well what do you know! Wouldn’t it be great if this water person suddenly turned up out of nowhere and put out this burning rope –‘ - Jake
‘No’ – Everybody

‘X and Mako are both water people, and by water people, think aquaman, but the camp 80’s version, not the Jason Mamoa aquaman. Think spandex.’ - Matt

‘Could you recommend anywhere to go in Jacksonville?’
‘Well there’s the beach… And the ocean’
‘How do you feel about the sand?’
‘Well the sand is a big part of the beach’
‘What about the salty water?’
Of all of the ocean, the salty water is the best bit’

Anyway back to the story…

Winklebert is still hanging on to the rope, which, despite being burnt at the end attached to the earthmote, is still secured to the tower. The rope falls down, but remains hanging from the tower. The sudden drop, means Winklebert has to do a dexterity saving throw to catch the rope. He slams into the side of the tower and then falls to the ground. He takes 1 damage.

‘That’s what happens when you don’t heal us, when we ask for healing’ yells Magignis.

‘I think you’ll find I was about to heal you guys, it’s just-’ Winklebert yells back up to him.

‘You know what you did, you didn’t help, you didn’t join in, and you then tried to show off. And that is what happens’ Magignis says, struggling to finish the sentence from laughing to hard.

‘I was trying to show you how to do things’ Says Winklebert.

‘After we’d done them!’ Argues Magignis. ‘Leading by example’

Chunter chunter chunter, as Winklebert makes his way back up the steps of the shrine.

While he makes his ascent, Mako casts a minor illusion to make the severed rope look intact again. Winklebert notices there are now two ropes there, and gets suspicious.

‘You sir, have offended my honour!’ Begins Winklebert, shouting to the other group.

‘Really? You’re going to shout abuse now?’ Asks Magignis. ‘Just to be clear?’ He asks, then laughs some more. Winklebert is planning on using his holy light ability to blind Magignis, but while he’s planning this, Magignis sets fire to the remaining intact rope.

Kifo, who wasn’t paying attention to what was going on, looks surprised, Magignis says casually ‘We’ve lost all our ropes’

‘Fucking hell! Have you set my rope on fire aswell?’ Kifo asks.

‘Yeah, they’re gone’

‘Why? What have you done to our ropes?’

‘Well I set fire to them’

‘What? Both of them?’


‘Fucking hell, you’ve set fire to my rope now!’ Says Kifo. ‘And you stole that silver earlier, jeez!’

They argue for a bit.

‘So, in my eyes, you all fell down like prats and then went back up to fall down again. And you didn’t even ask for my help.’ Says the lawful good cleric.

‘Wait what?’ Says Mako

‘Oh yeah, that’s right, he’s lawful good’ Says Sylvestre.

‘I’m a gentlemen duellist’ Says Winklebert, proudly.

‘Wait – you’re good?’ Asks Mako.


‘You’re the one that said to chop off the guys legs!’

‘Well, that was out of character!’ He defends himself ‘And you guys all agreed on it! It’s not my fault’

‘Hey, listen, I simply suggested that we chop off the guys arms, to keep him tied up’ Says Mako.

‘Minimise the threat, is what it was’ Says Magignis.

‘But I didn’t suggest the whole hog of nugging the guy, like you wanted’ Mako accused Winklebert.

At this point, it is worth mentioning that Sylvestre previously sent his Monsieur hoot hoot off to relay the message to his sub-contractor X to request his assistance and to meet them at the temple. X received the message, ‘No’

‘Fine, I’m invoking your contract, Bitch’

‘I knew this day would come’ Says X, as he makes his way to them, and arrives at that very moment.

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Khartheon – Origins

Malen'ckrokoi zo’loto drakona

178 (III) Year 178 of the Third age


In the dead of winter, a feral tiefling was born in Krügmorte. Her home was located deep in the mountains, close to the volcano. She fell from her nest at a young age but could not find her way back to her mother. Despite the bitter cold, she survived; she learnt to fend for herself and began learning about the world and watching others from a distance. One year later, during the winter, harsher than the last, she made her home in a small cave dug into the volcano named Mount Charduthnijkro, using the magma for warmth. She used the talons on her wings to dig through the stone, heating them with her fire magic and slicing through them like a knife through butter.

Krugmorte Volcano

The inhabitants of the mountain became used to her presence, and in time they learnt to trust each other, she would mine in the tunnels searching for treasure, and help them dig tunnels throughout the mountains, and became a valued member of the community. At this point, she was just a child, and so the people of the mines taught her lessons in reading, writing, history and science, mathematics and some basic crafting. The people of Krügmorte are not a magical people, however she found that she needed no lesson in magic, it was entirely instinctive and natural to her.

It was at this point, she chose her name: malen'ckrokoi zo’loto drakona loosely translated from an ancient Krügmorte script she was reading, about the dragons of the old world – ‘little golden dragon’. The locals nicknamed her ‘Goldie’.

As she grew older, her fascination with earth minerals and precious metals grew and she began her studies in the artisan’s college of crafting, completing her apprenticeship and making a name for herself. She was happy; she felt valued and knew her calling in life.

One day she was walking through the tunnels, and a crack in the stone caused a great chasm to open up beneath her, revealing a steep hole and a pool of lava at the bottom. It looked like the doorway to hell.  She fell straight through. Her wings spread out instinctively to catch her, but her great wingspan was too large and the gap too small. She tumbled through and landed in the lava. The scalding pain she expected never came; instead, the sensation was like falling into a warm lake. In that moment, she could hear the calling of the great fire god echoing through her head. As she bobbed up, her head breaking the surface and drawing breath, she was born again. She had been saved by the great deity Kossuth, god of fire and purification. She had never heard the voice before and was uneducated in the religious history of the world, however she knew this voice belonged to the one true deity and she knew what she needed to do. She would follow him to the ends of the world.

She left the next night, dressed in her travelling cloak, with slices cut through each side so her wings would protrude. She didn’t know where she was going, but she felt a pulling sensation as the voice lapped at the edge of her mind, whispering to her. With the help of her friends, who were supportive of her decision, she was given a map of the world and a warning that she take care, many people of this world were intolerant of such rare races like tieflings, especially a winged one such as her and would offer nothing more than hostility.

She was rightfully nervous; she had never left Krügmorte before, but ventured out, heading east.

On her travels, she didn’t follow a straight line, as she didn’t know where her journey ended, she just blindly followed the calling she could hear.

She travelled east originally, cutting through Vanachkrom and reaching the Emerald City, where she boarded a ship destined for the Shaelyre, as she had never flown over the sea before, and was a little wary. She scoured the island for signs of the temple of the disembodied voice and found some, but not the one she’d hoped for. She met a pirate who welcomed her aboard his ship, and they travelled out to the islands, looking for buried treasure. They had never met such a demonic looking creature before and thought she was the living embodiment of a dragon (they had never met a dragonborn before either), and thought that she would bring them luck. They distracted her for a little while, and fought many other pirate foes, plundered many booties and she made many friends along the way (and enemies). One day there was an almighty battle, and the ship was torn apart, she saved her best friend, Demitri Condonia the Second, left him on the cliffs of the mainland Shaelyre, but could not save any others, it was pure bloodshed. She decided to move on.

Pirate ship

She could still feel the presence of the fire lord calling to her, but she wasn’t sure which direction he was, so she boarded the first ship out of the harbour, which took her to Djenkania, to a small island on the south called Juntiann. It was a very small settlement of monks who live in peace and tranquillity. They grew, processed and sold many herbs and tonics. All manner of exotic breeds live here, including Tabaxi and Anacockra, who worship Tiamat, Bahamut and the Raven Queen. They were a very laid back people, who cared for equality, respect and generally like to chill. She met many wonderful folk here, and helped them with many issues they had, including a pesticide outbreak disrupting the harvest and an architectural issue that required some specific powerful magic to put right. She also used her impressive mining skills to help them begin a mining excavation on the south of the island, where they wanted to dig for minerals and ore. She was thrilled to be useful to these people, and stayed with them for some weeks building strong relationships.

They told her about a family of tieflings they believed lived in the mountains on djenkania, west of little Ron. She decided to check it out, and took a short boat ride to the mainland and flew west into the mountains.

After a while of searching, she found evidence of a mountain tribe and watched from a distance. She stayed there for a day or two and waited, she didn’t know what she was waiting for, she was nervous, she had never met another tiefling before, and these looked different to her. She also saw a dwarf and some orcs working together in the mines. One day there was a massive slice of rock came plummeting down to crash upon a group of orcs, she acted instinctively flying out and pushing them out the way, saving their lives. The thanks and awe she expected didn’t come, instead cries of outrage at her, they thought she had caused the destruction. They cried out that they had seen her sneaking around the place. They didn’t like how different she looked, with her gold scales, and they had never met a tiefling with wings before, they thought she must be evil and should leave this place immediately. She left, flying off into the night, distraught, tears rolling down her face.

She flew north for several days without sleeping. Finally, exhaustion kicked in and she swooped down, landing in a nearby tree. She slept for a while, and heard a slight shuffling below her and opened one eye. A man was staring up on her, beaming. He was half man half horse, ‘hello friend’ he said, ‘how fares you?’ She was so tired, she had not the energy to reply, instead falling back into a slumber. Many hours later, when she awoke, she couldn’t tell if the horseman was a dream or not; but on the floor beneath her, lay a beautifully made black travelling cloak, embroided with horse sigils and runes and folded up in a neat pile with a bright red leaf sat on top. Next to this was a bacon sandwich. She was very confused, but donned the cloak, hers had become rather tatty over the months of travel. Her new cloak was very warm and soft, she was thrilled. She picked up the leaf, which felt slightly warm and placed it in her pocket. She decided the horseman must have been real, and found horse tracks in the dirt and took flight, flying low over the plains. She was not flying for long, before she found a small camp with several small tents and smoke from a fire. She landed, and hesitantly walked over, braced to take flight again in an instant should she need to. As she approached the camp, a centaur turned towards her and smiled, ‘hello friend’ he said holding his palm up in her direction. She raised her hand instinctively to mimic his gesture. ‘How do you fare?’ He asked. She nodded. He offered her a bacon sandwich and she felt he was trustworthy. They spoke for many hours, she met the other members of the tribe and they shared stories and tales of adventure. She loved every moment of it. It got dark and she slept there for the night. The next day she asked about the godly force she could feel. She was in luck, for this group of people were of the Yanuk, she soon learnt that they maintained all the northern temples of this land and were experts in all manner of holy temples, and believe they were familiar with this particular deity, there is only one god of fire. They offered to take her as far as the country of Tallis, but from there, it was not hard to find the great fire temple. Off they went, and apart from a slight clash with a group of bandits who were terrorising a village (She used her powers to turn them away and restore what the people had lost, they were very grateful), they arrived unscathed. She would never forget her travels with yanuk, and still carries the red leaf to this day.

She passed through the main cities of Tallis, and was mesmerised by their incredible array of unique glass, minerals and stones that adorned everything. She found out about the artisans college and vowed to return one day and join if she got the chance, there was so much to learn!

She reached the temple of Kossuth. At the gates of the temple of Kossuth in the Pyre, she spoke to the great god who told her he needed her to complete a special task, but not just yet, he would call upon her when she was needed. She wanted to be close to him, and was fortunate that Tallis was famous for their precious crystals and glass blowing - she was in her element. She began working for the artisan’s college and spent many years there, during which time she completed her diploma in minerals and rocks.

Temple of Kossuth


Golden scales across her entire body, large wings, one each side, that are taller than her with sharp black talons on the wing bend. Has a wingspan of about 3m wide. She has a long thin tail that flicks behind her, is always twitching as if nervously and has a sharp gold point on the end. She stands 5 foot 10 inches tall, is slim with long limbs. Her hair is a golden blonde colour, kept back in a braid. She is usually covered in patches of dirt from digging/ mining. Her eyes are gold in colour. She has sharp little fangs that can be seen when she speaks. She wears a black travelling cloak with her hood up most of the time, to try to hide her identity, not successful because of her large wings she is unable to hide. The cloak has leather straps so when she is flying she can wrap it around her tightly to stop it flapping. She wears a talisman made of gold in the shape of two interweaving flames.

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Written by Sam Beadle and Mat Smith
Visit us at: Khartheon